Editor’s note: This is the last in a series of articles about pastors and families.

October is Pastor Appreciation Month, and it’s a great time to dig into how churches can take care not only of the pastor but also the pastor’s family.

Thanks to content on social media about struggling pastors’ wives and books about the hidden difficulties of pastors’ kids (PKs), what we’re sharing likely isn’t new. But, as with other families with unusual situations (i.e. adoptive, foster, and single parents), a pastor’s family faces particular challenges. We’re sharing ways our churches have blessed us and providing some tangible ideas on supporting your pastor’s family.

Decades ago, most families worked in a family business, whether a farm or shop. The father was the farmer, but his profession involved the family. Though less frequent today, there are professions where a parent’s work affects the whole family, such as the military, politics, and the pastorate.

Pastors’ families have some characteristic struggles and temptations, though not every family has all of them. The role of the pastor’s wife in the congregation is complicated, especially in how much she can or should disciple and counsel other women. Some pastor’s wives struggle with loneliness. Families can be under scrutiny, inside and outside the church. They deal with the considerable stress of pastor-dad’s work and the “always on” demands of ministry. Pastors strive to shield their families from ministry challenges, but children are often aware that pastoring is hard and the church isn’t perfect.

As we’ve gotten to know other RPCNA pastors’ wives, we’ve realized how challenging it is for many of us to be forthright about struggles, because we do not want to complain or appear ungrateful, nor do we want special treatment. What we appreciate most is being treated as other church members are: as sinners in need of grace, shepherding, and friendship.

Grace

Pastor’s families sometimes fear messing up. We don’t want to reflect badly on our husbands’ or dads’ ministry. We love our churches and enjoy serving. Wives want to support our husbands through hospitality, having well-behaved children, and participating faithfully in church life. Yet it’s easy for that support to take an unhealthy turn by taking on more service than is healthy, neglecting children’s needs for church work, and being hesitant to express spiritual struggles or questions.

Part of grace is walking alongside us through the seasons of our lives as God sanctifies us, even if it doesn’t fit expectations. Like other members, sometimes we need to step back from commitments. We appreciate being able to figure out avenues of service according to our gifts. One pastor’s wife shared, “I felt supported and loved because people just accepted me for who I am and didn’t have ‘pastor’s wife’ expectations. They encouraged me to use my gifts and didn’t expect me to do things that I feel less called to.” It is helpful when church members express that they do not have a particular role in mind for us.

Like others, we face periods of discouragement and may be confused about theological topics. Esther is grateful for a church that is patient with her asking many questions in Sabbath school and Bible studies! We also need grace when we and our children sin. Elders, including pastors, are held to a biblically high standard: “He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive” (1 Tim. 3:4 ESV). Clearly, pastors and elders need to do all they can to run their homes in a godly fashion and discipline their children faithfully. Yet sin “easily entangles” (Heb. 12:1 NASB), and pastors’ families are not immune.

The Timothy passage refers to both pastors and elders: Do we expect more godly behavior or spiritual maturity from pastors’ kids than we do from ruling elders’ kids? We are among those being sanctified, so we are prone to fail like anyone else. Disciples of Jesus should be the best at dealing with other people’s sins—gentle instead of hypocritical, loving and prayerful when they see others stumble, and avoiding bitterness when wronged.

Shepherding

Shepherding work is given to pastors and elders, but the whole congregation can help shepherd the pastor’s family simply by communicating well with them. Presbyterians aren’t known for being over-sharers! But elders and members help pastors and their families enormously when they speak their love, concern, or appreciation. Expressions of affection for our families are tremendous encouragements. When gently done, we value knowing when you have a concern about our family.

We need pastoral visits from the elders. Elders can listen for discouragement, questions, or struggles in the faith and thoughtfully respond and provide prayer. They can listen for emotional and health issues; it’s commonly observed that pastors are spiritually attacked by way of their wives and children. Esther and Alicia are both grateful their families were assigned a shepherding elder just like other members.

Discipleship of pastors’ kids by church members, especially when teenagers, can yield rich fruit. In doing this, church members beautifully uphold the vows they took at the child’s baptism “to help and encourage the parents as they seek to bring him/her up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Like other covenant children, PK teenagers may have serious faith questions and need to wrestle with them, and mature believers who are not Mom and Dad are important.

Friendship There is a school of thought that pastors and their wives should avoid friendships in the church. We love having friends in the church! For reflection: How well do you know your pastor’s family? Women, what are the pastor’s wife’s interests? How have you seen her grow over the years? Do you pursue spiritual conversation with her, letting her share her burdens while sharing yours (Gal. 6:2)? Be ready to pray for her and encourage her—she likely needs it. Do you go out socially with her sometimes? Whether she is a newlywed, tired young mom, or empty nester, she may appreciate time out with friends. Put simply: extend genuine friendship to her.

Pastors’ families desire rootedness and a meaningful everyday life, just like anyone else. Our true home is with Christ, but God has given us the church as family. Since ministers often move away from relatives, our families might need connection to the church more than many. Older members can take on the role of “grandparents” and attend music recitals and sports games. Kids in the church can be “cousins” to PKs. Without any family nearby, Alicia has deeply valued years of babysitting provided by church members.

Let us receive your hospitality—we treasure being in your homes. And receive ours—even when it’s unglamorous and the house is a mess!

Additional Thoughts

Gifts are fantastic ways to show love and can be tailored to your pastor’s needs. Pastors’ families are often on tight budgets but need times of respite. Consider gifting a week at a cottage, loaning your vacation home, doing some digging to find discounted pastoral retreats, or aiding attendance at presbytery camp. Alicia treasured the annual monetary Christmas gift that the congregation collected when Ryan pastored in Seattle, as well as the surprise funds gifted by members for date nights or hospitality groceries.

If the pastor’s family lives in a parsonage, work together so expectations and responsibilities are clear, and decide what maintenance deacons or church work days will help with. Work to resolve disrepair quickly. Alicia has appreciated deacons who are responsive to manse repairs.

Worship may be fatiguing because the pastor’s wife is a solo parent with little ones, with years of sermons heard in snippets. Consider offering to have a child sit with you (ask what habits to enforce or correct), especially during pregnancy and baby stages. Build her up verbally by telling her you’re glad she is training her children in the service. Pray for her encouragement on these distracted Lord’s Days.

Pastor’s wives often miss out on quality fellowship when we stay home from worship with sick kids or when our husbands are less free to wrangle youngsters during fellowship times, since they need to be available to members. Offering to watch a little one after worship or during a church meal is a help. In one simple act, you are loving our children, serving our needs, and helping our husbands’ work.

Some families experience tragic losses or serious medical struggles such as chronic illness. The church’s love and care can make the difference between a pastor being sustained in ministry or leaving for another profession. Esther is blessed by church members who babysit children, bring meals, and pray earnestly about her long-term migraines.

As with every believer, pastors’ wives and kids need grace when we sin, patience as we grow, and freedom to be weary. We need Christian friendships to uphold us in our weaknesses. We need pastoring by the elders. Most of all, we are fueled by your prayers, which are rich means of receiving the sustaining love and mercy of Christ.