Why Go Out?

What is going out about? The first thing you need to do before you go any further in thinking about this question is to flush out of your mind all the brainwashing you have subconsciously been subjected to about going out. As Yoda tells Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back, “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

The school playground, TV, movies and the internet are not the places the Christian goes for guidance about going out. Only God’s Word can show us the way here: “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path” (Ps. 119:105). Not God’s Word plus the insights picked up from stars and other popular people. What does the world know that our Creator doesn’t?

The problem is that, without realizing it, so much of what we think about dating may have nothing at all to do with the Bible or Christianity. Loads of our ideas on the subject probably haven’t been worked out by careful and prayerful study of Scripture, but “breathed in” passively simply by living in the world. This is always a danger for the believer in every area of life—that we listen more to the popular and attractive people of today than to the Apostles Peter, James and Paul.…

One of the big mistakes Christian young people make in the whole area of dating is that they treat going out like a bit of a game. It’s a kind of hobby to play at—just another one of the things teenagers do. On Saturdays you play football or hockey, Tuesday afternoon it’s your music lesson, Friday nights you see your girlfriend or boyfriend. It’s fun to have someone to text, to be part of a couple, to buy and receive presents on special occasions. It’s a superficial game—you certainly aren’t trying to do anything heavy like discover whether or not you may be suited as lifelong partners. You just want someone to go to the school formal with; to be able to say “he’s my boyfriend” so you don’t feel left out when everyone else in your class seems to be in a relationship.

But the fact is that going out is a stepping stone to marriage. Marriage may (and in most cases should) be quite a few years away when you start dating, but, just the same, going out is part of the process that leads to marriage. The chain of dating–engagement–marriage can be broken at the first two stages; but almost any couples who are now married were once engaged, and before that they were going out. You can’t separate marriage from going out—it’s the ultimate reason for going out.

When to Go Out?

When should you go out? Once you get to secondary school? Once you’re thirteen, sixteen? After junior high? After high school? Whenever you want? Whenever someone asks you out? In our culture, thanks to the media, the internet, and peer pressure at school, young people can be made to feel quite odd and excluded if they’re not going out with someone. And the world so easily infects the church that even at youth group, or camp, or church parties, the focus can shift to starting relationships with the opposite sex.

But Christians are called by God to be holy in every part of life. “Holy” simply means “set apart” from the world—different from the world. Christians don’t live their lives by the precepts of popular shows but by God’s Word. “But all my friends at school are dating!” So what? “Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong” (Ex. 23.2). Christians live by different standards. Don’t just seek a relationship because all your friends are in one.…

So what does God’s Word have to say to us about when to start a relationship?

Matthew 5:27-30

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”

This is perhaps the most important biblical principle in this whole area. Jesus says that for citizens of the kingdom of heaven, purity is so vital that we should sacrifice anything to maintain it. No matter how dear and precious something is to you, if taking it out of your life will help you to be pure, do it.

If you start going out with someone quite early on (e.g., 13 or 14), the fact is that marriage is a long, long way off for you. And as your relationship progresses, you’ll find yourself under ever-increasing pressure to misbehave sexually—a pressure that is strong enough because of your hormones, but which is aggravated and intensified a 100 times by films, magazines, advertisements, your non-Christian friends, and dozens of other influences. Going out while you’re still quite young may (we’re not suggesting it will in every case) make it hard for you to keep your thoughts and your actions pure. And so Jesus says to remove that stumbling block from our lives. Agonizingly painful though it may be, it may be better for purity’s sake not to start a relationship with someone until you’re older.

Song of Songs 3:5

“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

There is debate among commentators as to how best to understand this verse, but it certainly includes a warning against plunging into a relationship which demands great maturity before you are ready. Because of the way we are brought up in our culture, the years when we tend to mature and grow up most are between 18 and 21, simply because this is usually when we either begin work or go to college. It’s a time of tremendous change as our personalities, our attitudes and our world views are shaped, deepened and confirmed.

For this reason there is a great deal of wisdom in not starting a relationship much before this time. Most people simply aren’t ready for it. The typical 15-year-old is just not mature enough to know how to conduct a Christian relationship.…

The Christian boy/girl relationship is about communicating—learning what the other person is like: what they believe on different issues, what their hopes and ambitions are, what they like and dislike; how they behave in a group, how they relate to and treat other people. To conduct a relationship like this requires a maturity that most (not all) young teenagers tend not to have. So in general it’s better not to begin dating early. Emotionally and psychologically, young people in their early to mid teens are just not ready.

Of course, we all know of couples who started going out in their early teens, who stayed together throughout school and university, and who have been happily married ever since. But we would suggest that these relationships are very much the exception rather than the rule. In general, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

Colossians 3:23

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart,…”

God calls Christians to work hard and conscientiously at their duties, because in doing so they are actually working for God. If you’re a student at school or university, your first responsibility is to study. A thriving social life is not your chief goal at school. Getting into a relationship with someone can become a distraction from this responsibility. Now this is certainly not a reason against going out at school or college, but it is a warning against getting too serious while you’re still at school. Some people find it hard once they’re in a relationship to stop it from taking over their lives.

We know of one case where a couple started going out in high school and ended up spending all their free time together, both in and out of school. Other friends and activities were put on hold, homework suffered, sports went out the window—all so they could spend more time together. Maturity and self-control are needed to stop that kind of thing from happening—a maturity that only tends to develop later.

So what is the perfect age to start going out? We’d love to be able to tell you, but since there’s no such thing we can’t! Human relationships are very far from being a precise science. God has made us all different. There are some incredibly mature 13-year-olds, and some unbelievably immature 25-year-olds! We can’t legislate for each person. All we can do is give broad guidelines for each individual to prayerfully consider and apply honestly and submissively to their own case.…

Even in Christian circles there can be a panic to get paired off with someone else as soon as possible. Don’t give in to this worldly pressure. We believe in a God who is in control of everything, from the orbit of Saturn to the sparrow that falls to the ground—and this God has a plan for His people that involves working everything together for their good. Don’t panic. Don’t lose your nerve and start a relationship sooner than God says is wise. Pray that He will enable you to be content in your present circumstances, and at the same time pray that He will guide you to the right person at the right time if that’s His will for you.

If you marry you may have 30, 40, 50 years together. Don’t wish away the few years of singleness now when you have so many great opportunities to serve God in a way that married people aren’t so free to do. And don’t assume that you will necessarily end up getting married. Singleness isn’t second best. God’s plan for us is never second best.

—Warren and Ruth Peel

Excerpted by permission from the book What About Going Out? (Cameron Press, publishing arm of the RPC of Ireland), available from Crown & Covenant Publications.