Connection

What is it that brings together a man and woman? Love, romance, friendship, commonalities? Often, all of the above. It is so important that persons choose wisely the one with whom they will spend the rest of their lives. Look for the Lord’s leading.

When we were getting to know each other, we had matured enough to begin to know what our most important values were and where we were headed in life. This helped in choosing a likeminded mate.

Commitment

There was never any question in our minds that marriage was for life. One reason for this was the examples we both had seen in our homes growing up. Our fathers and mothers loved and were devoted to each other. They supported each other through hard times. They were best friends and confidants. They were united. But behind our parents’ commitment and our own was a biblical, Christian view of marriage.

It doesn’t matter whether yours is a first-generation Christian marriage or whether you have had generations of examples of Christian marriage in your families—such a commitment can be and should be yours. Then, as Walter Trobisch wrote, when the going gets tough, you say, “I married you.”

Communication

What often makes or breaks a marriage are the patterns of communication that are established. Is there openness on the part of both spouses to discuss difficult issues? Can any issue be addressed? Or are some subjects, habits, or problems taboo?

In the early days of our marriage, we were very open with each other and seemed to agree most of the time. As the years went by, however, we found that some subjects raised each other’s ire. We’ve learned to control knee-jerk reactions, to sometimes laugh at our different perspectives, and to be satisfied to love each other without needing the other person to affirm our every belief.

Do partners know how to fight fairly? This includes not using cutting words, allowing cool-down periods, and not carrying sundown anger into the next day. Many couples resonate with this last scriptural principle because they recognize the harmful pattern of going to bed angry.

Have the partners learned to say the 12 most important words? They are: I am sorry; I was wrong; please forgive me; I love you. Do the partners take time for each other? Planned activities and having fun together are very important, and talking things over is a must.

One of us thinks things through silently, expresses her conclusion in words, and then is ready to act. The other one of us likes to think aloud, ponder long and hard, and wait to act until he’s had time to sleep on it. That sounds like a formula for frequent fights. By God’s grace, we’ve learned to accept each other’s process.

Remember that your family life is not only about the children; in fact, your responsibility to each other takes priority over your responsibility to any children you have. If your spouse is not a priority, you may find that once the children are grown and gone, you don’t know each other very well anymore. And you won’t have set a good priority for your children to follow.

Building each other up rather than tearing down is one of the goals in a good marriage. We have found that this includes showing respect for each other, both in public and in private. This involves avoiding any tendency to pick at each other about annoying little things. Of course, we realized long ago that we must bring up items that are really bothering us, in a kind way. But a critical spirit goes looking for opportunities to nag.

What about compromise? We don’t mean compromising about clear commands of God. Rather, we see the importance of being willing to give in, on the part of both partners. Is it always the wife who must give in? Or is it always the husband? If so, then someone is being selfish.

Conduct

The final key about which we’d like to write is conduct. What one does or doesn’t do is significant to the prosperity of the marriage. Lots of times people focus too much on feelings but ignore conduct.

What do we mean? We mean that in much marital strife the real culprit is disobedience to God. For example:

• The husband uses pornography or begins an internet affair. It is not the woman who needs counseling. It is the husband who needs to be called on the carpet.
• One partner resists giving to the work of the Lord. Will God bless this marriage?
• One partner begins to come up with all sorts of excuses for not being in the Lord’s house for worship and fellowship.
• The husband/father refuses to take the spiritual leadership in the home.
• The mother undermines the discipline of the children.
• One person or both allow bitterness and gossip to permeate and then dominate the home.
• Family devotions are neglected.
• These are just examples. But what is true of all of them is that one partner’s conduct is disobedient to the clear commands of the Lord. As in every other area of life, Christians need to learn how to repent in this area of marriage. We must recognize our sin, ask forgiveness from God and seek by His grace to change our ways.

Where progress is not achieved in marriage counseling, it often comes down to the fact that one or both partners are unwilling to do the hard work of changing their conduct.

How can anyone expect to have a happy marriage when rebelling against the commands of the all-good God who thought up the idea of marriage in the first place? Conduct is important. Happiness is not just a matter of feelings. It is also related to actions. In fact, right actions almost always produce, in the long run, right feelings.

In summary, a good marriage begins with a healthy connection, is solidly laid on the foundation of a lifelong commitment, and is furthered and strengthened by godly communication and godly conduct. That’s what the Bible teaches about marriage.

Bob and Cheryl Hemphill have been married just over 30 years. They have three children. Bob has pastored churches in Shawnee, Kan.; Selma, Ala.; and Westminster, Colo. Cheryl has served as a pastor’s wife and homemaker and also presently works at home doing taxes for Clergy Financial Services. Bob and Cheryl moved to Laramie, Wyo., in June 2007 and are serving in that community as church planters for the RPCNA.