Vacuum and Vanity

I was born in China in the late 1980s. My parents were secondary school teachers, and I spent my early years in their school. I grew up in a vacuum without God, as my parents and our extended family didn’t know Him. My heart was captured by a sense of vanity, of emptiness, from a very young age. I could sense wrongness in this world, feeling the separation between adults and adults, adults and children, and even children and children.

When I was about four and on a trip with my parents, we took a ship at night, passing through the sea. The captain, with my parents’ permission, took me to sit on the deck. Nervous and scared when facing the dark sea, I had a sense of my existence for the first time: I exist, and I mainly exist in my heart. I was alone there; nobody was there with me. On a foundational level, I knew I was alone and lonely.

From middle school, my sense of vanity about life and this world grew stronger. I started to fear afternoons, because the afternoon sunlight seemed extremely absurd to me, shouting loudly to my heart that everything under the sun was in vain. When the afternoon came, I could only endure the torment until it passed.

I was afraid of that feeling of vanity and nihility, that my life had no meaning. At that time, my heart and life without God were chaotic and miserable. Facing this honestly, the vanity and misery from sin were strong and vivid.

Encountering God

In college, my youthful vacuum and vanity broke. God used two things to prepare my heart. During the first winter at college, it snowed heavily. For the first time, I saw the pattern of a snowflake. I had always heard snowflakes have patterns, but when I really saw it, I was totally astonished at its delicacy and beauty!

That moment, looking at the feathery sky, the silver land, and the busy passengers on the street, a sudden thought popped into my heart: “There must be a God in this world. He made this snowflake. These snowflakes that people don’t notice and that melt quickly, He still made so beautiful and delicate; He must be a kind and good God.”

Then, during the second year in college, I read The Diary of Anne Frank. I was shocked by the ending, as she died in a Nazi concentration camp. This vivid first-person account of life ended. I realized that someday I’m going to die. I’m also a girl who writes a diary and has thoughts, feelings, stories, and emotions; but someday these will end.

My education taught me that “human death is like extinguishing a lamp,” nothing exists after death. I felt horrified that I would have no sense or consciousness after death. But, why did I feel I should exist forever? My death couldn’t be the same as a tree or flower! If death ends everything in a person, even for those who try to be remembered for great achievements, what does it matter? You don’t exist anymore; how can you enjoy being remembered? If death is like this, then life has no meaning.

I suddenly felt death was abnormal and human death was strange. I vaguely felt that humans should exist forever. From my confusion and horror, I wrote down two questions: “Why am I going to die? According to what should I die?”

These two questions began to be answered some days later. During that second winter in college, I met a Christian senior in the library who had asked my roommate if she knew anyone who might be interested in Christianity. Later, she brought two Christian brothers to talk with me. They shared some information from the Bible. When they talked about God’s creation of the world, I accepted this without challenge because of God’s preparation with the snowflakes, even though I had been taught evolution.

Through them, I came to church and started the journey of learning the Bible and the God of the Bible. I had never seen or read a Bible before, and it seemed incredibly precious to me. I would spend at least two hours on my devotions, being much more excited for the Bible than I had ever been for any other book.

Amazed that God has spoken to man and has spoken so much, I was astonished at an authority I had never seen elsewhere: “This is truly God speaking. Only God can speak in this way. It’s like thunder in my ears!” No earthly language could compare with the language in the Bible.

I also finally understood why I should die, because death is the penalty for sin. I realized that God didn’t need me to earn His favor, because my righteousness was just filthy rags. God had already prepared Jesus Christ as the perfect Savior for me.

I accepted Christ joyfully, becoming a free child of God. The whole world was renewed before my eyes, as its former vanity and dullness turned into a glowing, shining freshness. Not only was I a new creation, but the whole world seemed renewed. My world was no longer vacuous and vain, stifling and despairing. I breathed a heavenly air that I never had before.

Pilgrim Calling

Longing to be useful in God’s kingdom after my conversion, I sought God’s calling for my life. I’ve always had a strong sense of mission, never hoping for a life of mere self-sufficiency and individual happiness. I wanted my life to be spent on meaningful things. I wanted to devote myself to God and His work, but I didn’t know His heart and will for me.

I tried many things, with the first being children’s ministry. I went to earthquake-afflicted areas and countryside churches to teach children the Bible and different school subjects. These experiences are very precious to me. I also participated in much ministry and service in my local congregation.

I experienced an explosion of creativity after becoming a Christian. While I had liked art and creating since I was young, I had more inspiration and motivation to create after identifying God as the only source of good and beauty. I started to explore my interests and gifts in many different areas: crafts, drawing, photography. I tried to teach myself almost anything I could. I sought to serve people around me with those skills, whether family or wedding pictures for Christian friends or handmade mobiles or dolls for their new babies.

I enjoy art, but to me it is more a playful toy and a tool for expression. God’s many providences have given me a passion for thinking and analysis, ever since I was young. I like to ponder upon questions and dig out the essence and truth about things. Whatever triggers my curiosity, I like to discover its reality, to reject superficial answers and explanations that don’t hold water.

God had been moving me thus with interesting providences. As I was realizing these things, I met my husband. I guess God’s timing had come to fullness, because He guided me to the most important companion and coworker in my life. My husband and I met providentially (which is a another story). We were both very clear that the other person was the one God wanted us to marry. God guided us into unity and conformity in many aspects, including our beliefs and convictions. We shared a passion and commitment to the same Reformed truth and enjoyed working together on various projects.

After a year and a half of marriage, we both came to the Reformed Presbyterian Theological Seminary to study. It has been a busy and strenuous period for our family, but the shared study and vision make our hands grip each other all the more tightly.

During this process, God enabled me to start translation. I began to translate Reformed literature for Reformation Translation Fellowship (RTF). Translation is a necessary and beneficial work for future readers, but it is also a gift that God has given to sharpen me. Translating enables me to intimately walk with the author’s mind, helping me to understand the author’s passion and structure with a depth and clarity that usually transcends mere reading. I had never considered doing translation work, but God truly works everything for the benefit of His children. He knows the Chinese church needs good Christian books, and He also knows I need this arduous task as training and edification.

Among all the callings of a Christian, I am drawn to being a pilgrim and stranger in this world the most. I do not need to live for this world and myself, as I am just a person who passes through this life and this age. This gives me courage to be faithful to my callings and to make the life choices that are needed. My life is not without suffering and hardships, which are also part of God’s calling. In times of great sorrow, I have a God to cry out to:

Lord,

Is life gall or dew?

Wormwood, or sunny green pastures?

Endless tears, or ceaseless smiles?

Maybe, it’s all of these.

I must walk through, I can’t detour.

I will shed every tear of this life,

step on every sharp edge of this path.

After all,

I’m roaming before being home,

Hungry before the feast day,

Ragged before the final celebration.

In order to depart,

I will walk the steps.

O my heart,

May the Lord’s mercy comfort your melancholy,

May Christ’s faithfulness set aside your fear,

May the sweet friends of loyalty be your companions,

May wisdom be the shining lighthouse throughout life,

May the stars be present in your every dark night,

May perseverance accompany you till the end,

May you dwell in everlasting peace in the city of light.

Eliana Roberts lives in Pittsburgh, Pa., with her husband, Ben. They are members of Providence (Pittsburgh, Pa.) RPC.