“Did you think the pastorate was going to be this hard?” My husband and I were lunching at the RP International Conference with another pastor and his wife, catching up after several years. We all were in healthy churches, seeing growth in maturity and numbers. Our children presented no unusual challenges. And yet this question was suddenly on the lips of our pastor-friend. The answer, from us all, was immediately “no.” We did not think it was going to be this hard.

Based on conversations I have had, pastors in the RPCNA are struggling. Many reasons for this are societal rather than denominational: Pastors are viewed with suspicion by an increasingly secular mainstream. Members’ jobs often require 24/7 responses to emails, phone calls, and messages, leaving them less time and energy with which to serve the church, and leaving more work to pastors. As Christian internet resources have multiplied, members are tempted to compare their pastor to celebrity pastors, or to discount their counsel because they have read different advice online. COVID-19 has inflamed pastors’ struggles as they face isolation from members and debate over safety precautions.

I am aware of seven Reformed ministers (none from the RPCNA) who have committed suicide in the last decade. In one case, there was a significant moral failing, and in two cases, details were not made public. But four cases were connected to depression or extreme stress.

Our church is not immune to the pressures pastors everywhere face. A couple years ago I asked Dr. Barry York, Reformed Presbyterian Theological Seminary president and veteran pastor, if pastors seem to be struggling more now, or if I simply hear about it more than when my husband was a young pastor. He replied that he thinks it is worse now. As a pastor’s wife, I have listened to many other couples share the challenges and sadness they feel. Maybe because women generally communicate emotion better, it is often in one-on-one conversations with other wives that the depth of our husbands’ pain comes out.

Pastors and their wives describe isolation, weariness, and depression in surprisingly large numbers. They feel unable to share their hearts with their congregations for fear of seeming unfit to lead. They are afraid to get counseling when they experience depression, anxiety, or marriage difficulties. They carry a relentless load of concern for their churches and a sense that their work is never enough, or good enough. Many worry about money, and some even feel they must remain in the pastorate because they have no fallback profession. They are devastated emotionally by constant negative feedback, but complaint seems weak. Fruitful, experienced RPCNA pastors have stepped down in recent years for other professions, and I fear more are on the brink.

The pastorate has always had challenges. Being an elder is reserved for a man prepared for hardship (2 Tim. 4:5). He is not to be “a recent convert” (1 Tim. 3:6). Understanding that Jesus died for him, a pastor is enabled to lay down his life for others, even when that means enduring poverty, weakness, and unfair complaining.

Still, pastors have an unusual job. They work weekends and evenings, when their people are available to them and worship is prescribed. They provide most of their own motivation and organize their own time. They do not receive performance reviews from supervisors, and hard work often does not connect clearly with church growth. Unless they have an associate pastor (and few RP pastors do), they work alone most of the week, unless they are seeing people who need help or instruction. A pastor has to be an introvert who likes to study and an extrovert who communicates well, an organized administrator with a sympathetic personality. Their families are more integrated into their work than in most careers and are deeply aware when they struggle.

One pastor helpfully said: “Most people in our church have a life that is like a stool with three legs. They’ve got their spiritual life, their professional life, and their family life. If one of these legs wobbles, they’ve got the two others they can lean on. For us, those three legs can merge into one leg. You’re sitting on a one-legged stool, and it takes a lot more concentration and energy. It’s a lot more exhausting” (Resilient Ministry: What Pastors Told Us About Surviving and Thriving, Bob Burns, Tasha D. Chapman, and Donald C. Guthrie, IVP, p. 15).

Each pastor, session, and church is different. But three problems seem to crop up frequently: chronic stress and resulting burnout, loneliness, and discouragement or depression.

So, the question is, What are some ways that we can love our pastors, help them stay in the ministry over the long haul, and help them find joy in their work? I would venture a few suggestions, maybe not new but worth repeating.

Remember that your pastor is your father, brother, or son in the faith. He is not a professional providing you with a service. You are both part of the body of Christ. Do not communicate like you are writing a one-star review on Yelp. Encourage more often than you complain. Sometimes he will fail; do not be surprised. Be gentle if you have to point this out to him.

Years ago my husband had coffee with a member and the other man opened with, “First off, I think your preaching is terrible.” Try to win the man, not the argument. Respect him, even when he is wrong. And consider offering him your friendship. How might that meeting have been different if it had been part of a monthly coffee chat where those men became closer and could share their hearts about many things, including sermons?

Be careful in your sermon feedback. Sorrowful wives have told me often of their husbands’ devastation after reading a carelessly written email Monday morning about the sermon. Be “quick to listen, slow to speak” (Jas. 1:19). Your pastor spent hours that week preparing to preach the Word of God to you. Almost any sermon, even a poor one, will have a nugget of truth in it. Did you take away all the good you could from his message, or did you go home and “have roast preacher for lunch”? Tell him, often, what encouraged or blessed you from his preaching.

Do give feedback. Sometimes he feels he is preaching into a vacuum, with not one word of reaction, either good or bad—or worse, only bad. “Did I help anyone?” “Did I spend my time well this week?” “Why am I doing this?” Those are the Monday morning questions that run through many men’s heads.

When you notice something is needed in the church, see how you can help. Too often the pastor is the “chief cook and bottle washer.” An RP pastor’s daughter shared that her father preaches twice a week and leads Sabbath school and the midweek Bible study, while his wife precents and leads the women’s Bible study, and his family cleans the church. Do you know how many hours a week your pastor works? Are there ways you can ease his load? Is there some administrative task he does that you can carry? It can be easy to assume that the paid pastor should do most of the work. But they should do the work of the pastor: preaching, counseling, and teaching. They usually work best alongside others: the Lord sent out his disciples in twos. Can the elders carry some teaching responsibilities? Paul’s guidance that all overseers are to be “able to teach” (1 Tim. 3:2) means that they can and should. At the very least, can the deacons find someone else to clean the building?

“Pastor, how can I pray for you?” is one of the most wonderful questions you can ask a weary minister. He can share as much or as little as seems appropriate. He is encouraged by knowing you are praying for him, and, most important, you are lifting him before the Lord who sustains and sanctifies. Your pastor prays often for you. Are you praying regularly for him?

Encourage your pastor’s outside interests. This may seem like an odd suggestion, especially if your pastor is overly busy. But “all church all the time” can be emotionally overwhelming. Elders get natural breaks from pastoral burdens as they work their day jobs. Hobbies refresh your pastor and give him opportunities for friendship and evangelism outside the church. If your pastor wants to pursue an additional income stream, don’t feel insulted; ask questions and be supportive if you can. A number of effective RP pastors are bivocational, and this can be a respite-from-ministry decision as much as a financial one.

Pay him as well as you can. This is a tricky one, isn’t it? Small congregations really struggle to pay their pastors, with a huge percentage of giving going toward his salary. But your pastor is a smart man with a master’s degree, and he could be earning more in another profession. Research the pay scales of similarly experienced military officers (who also get housing allowances) or local teachers. Is your pastor making nearly as much?

There is an old joke about a church that prayed for their pastor, “Lord, we’ll keep him poor and you keep him humble.” Mid-career, he is probably driving an older car and doing most of his own home repairs (or sometimes he’s repairing your manse). His vacations are not exotic. Money is not everything, but it is a way to honor and encourage a hard worker (1 Tim. 5:17-18). If your church can’t pay him well, and he needs to take on outside work, the church should adjust to his reduced availability, and elders and others should pick up slack.

Plan times of rest and refreshment for your pastor. Although your pastor may find the Lord’s Day spiritually refreshing, he labors hard on your day of rest. He does not have a rhythm of weekend rest and weekday work, and he may find it hard to rest at all. Be generous with vacation time. If supply preaching is scarce or expensive, maybe the elders need to learn to preach. Unless there is a dire emergency, do not call him home from vacation. “The supply preacher fell through” is not a good reason. An elder can read from a book of sermons. Several RP churches lately have given their pastors sabbaticals, and others have put provisions for sabbaticals into pastoral calls. Sessions should encourage pastors to fellowship regularly with other ministers and encourage younger pastors to have pastoral mentors. These measures are an investment in ministers for the long haul.

Honor your pastor with gifts. A remembrance at the holidays, his birthday, or during Pastor Appreciation Month can mean much to a weary minister, especially because fruitfulness and effective job performance are hard to quantify. More than one pastor has never received a gift from the congregation or more than a casual “Happy birthday, pastor!” on Facebook.

As I have watched weary and discouraged pastors and seen the shortage of RPCNA ministers, I have been surprised by how unaware church members are. To be clear, pastors often fail to communicate their struggles. The urge to look invincible is strong. Because pastors’ work is so different from other professionals’ lives, it is hard for others to understand the challenges. The RPCNA is filled with loving believers who care for their pastors and are not trying to create intolerable burdens for them. Let’s go forward together with renewed concern, love, and respect for these men who watch over us “as those who must give an account,” so that they can “do so with joy and not with grief” (Heb. 13:17).

In closing, this only reflects my observations and the conversations I have had. Maybe your pastor has had different experiences. Consider asking him how much of this rings true, and see where the conversation goes.