As a young girl, my obedience to my parents was a concerted effort to add years to my life—an easy way to ensure my days are “long on the earth” by respecting their experience and wisdom. Aside from this self-serving and immature interpretation of Ephesians 6:1-3, my childhood ambition helped my development—and survival! Heeding their warnings taught me good judgment, while trusting in their love granted me great experiences that my myopic young mind would have never conceived. As time has passed, I continue to enjoy their influence on me and the maturity of our relationship; we are now able to relate and love one another more deeply than ever.

As there is a time and season for everything, this stage will come to an end. My work at the RP Home has shown me the varying manners in which the parent-child relationship enters another phase—one where dependence and vulnerability can become distinctly the parent traits, and the child becomes the protector and a source of prudence. As time further passes, the parent relies completely upon the child’s love during the frightening unknown that is old age. I have begun to ask myself: what will it be like when, Lord willing, my parents rely upon me for guidance and wisdom much in the same manner I did of them years ago? How will I honor my father and mother as I inherit from them the mantle of caregiver?

Thankfully, I work alongside experts in elder care who have frequently witnessed or experienced firsthand the trials and boundless blessings of the transforming parent-child relationship. Their strength of faith during these trials has shaped my perspectives and removed erroneous presuppositions, helping me best reflect the Lord’s commandment. While I will maintain the anonymity of all of those interviewed for this article, I hope their spirit and the Lord’s graciousness are felt as it is read. The conversations were humorous and saddening at times, but ultimately enlightening. Through acknowledging and respecting our elders’ burden of aging, we can rightfully honor them.

Anger. Fear. Resignation. Several words or concepts that marked the caregiver’s initial reactions to the aging of a parent were repeated in my conversations. During the interviews with these adult children, I began to notice that childhood references were never far from the conversation; memories of parents from decades prior were sometimes melancholic, sometimes bittersweet, aching like a deep wound.

“The beginning of their decline was very painful,” said one person. “I envision my parents as I did while a child. I was their responsibility. They took care of me, shared their wisdom, were strong, confident, able; I was vulnerable and they made me feel safe. And now, the tables have turned.” Words of a child looking to her parent for guidance while undergoing her own personal struggles, the tragedy became greater knowing that help would not come from Mother or Father.

I admit my own vision of my parents is founded on their strength and protection and how my identity is a result of their deliberate leadership. Dementia does not respect that link and drastically changes the aging parent’s traits. Even if dementia brings a pleasant countenance to those who never were, how does a child relate to the new and, increasingly dependent, adult that was his or her most influential person in life? Aging is cunning when it steals not only the parent’s sense of self but the child’s, too.

I imagine being in such a situation—the strangeness of a new caregiving role compounded by the strangeness of aging parents. The only way I could stumble through such an unfamiliar experience is with humility and great reliance on God. When the stories were being retold, the adult children shared their internal turmoil. “I admit I was angry and conflicted,” intimated one person. “Admittedly, it’s a very selfish, yet realistic, reaction to this inevitable and traumatic change.”

The changes, thankfully, do not occur overnight. Support structures like family and church fostered in middle age follow into older adulthood, helping the elderly maintain physical and cognitive function. It is during this time, many at the RP Home have suggested, that monitoring and planning for the inevitable future must be done. “I was vigilant in checking in on my mother while she cared for my father,” said one daughter. “I knew after my father’s injury occurred that I had to keep a closer eye on both parents. Mother’s stress and exhaustion from being the leading at-bedside caregiver, and father’s diminished activity, increased their risk for depression and further decline. All of this weighed heavily on me. ”

All too often, signs of decline circle around the features of adulthood—driving, managing typically complex life issues, and navigating financial matters—and can lead to increased isolation. Additional signals that should ring alarms are decreased participation in group events such as church and social gatherings, increasingly disheveled appearance, and weight loss. If a young child were to demonstrate similar struggles, immediate intervention would be warranted. Would the adult child have been right to assume authority over her parents’ affairs at the first sign of trouble? The intentions are positive, an attempt to stave off worry and decline. Why not demand that they allow her to assume fully the role of chief decision maker?

Yet, she declined that commission. She loved them so much that she respected their autonomy. “I waited patiently. We, as a team, decided my parents could live independently, but the moment either would enter the hospital, they would be transferred together into an assisted living community.” Offering suggestions, giving choices, and working together to respect preferences honors anyone, especially the aged, during this stressful period. Her parents recognized, in all humility, that their well being was increasingly dependent on their daughter, and she recognized the need to honor them by acting as a counselor and advisor.

“There were times I steered choices in a certain manner to ensure safety, such as home aide options or communal activities at an all-inclusive facility,” shared another daughter. She also had parents very far from her home. “I was very thankful they had caring and engaged neighbors that helped, but it was still cold comfort. Right, wrong, or indifferent, I couldn’t demand that they move several hundred miles to be closer to me. Mom and Dad were afraid of what they would lose, and forcing them to do something they were not mentally prepared for wouldn’t have been right.”

But wouldn’t demanding that they move closer have been the safer and more prudent thing to do? The protection afforded to her parents by neighbors was impressive, but was that the only solution? The amount of support, whether from paid caregivers or a relative, is taxing and cannot mitigate elder care risk: the falls, the confusion, lack of healthy eating, etc. Then add the several hundred miles of distance. “I think it becomes a bridge too far,” I suggested. She, however, chose to submit to their will to remain independent longer. “They were afraid of what they would lose by leaving their home and neighborhood. But, as time passes, and health inevitably declines, it became imperative that they move closer to me. It was difficult, but they finally decided it was time. Thankfully it was done early enough for them to enjoy all that the older adult community had to offer.”

She proved to me that dictating next steps belittles the adult, especially an aging parent who acknowledges, begrudgingly or not, that their frailty is less their own personal business and more of their child’s. Relinquishing that locus of control is difficult, and must be navigated with the Golden Rule in mind. It certainly can be speculated that, had she forced her parents to move, their integration into the new community would have taken longer and been harder. They realized on their own that, “The better question was, ‘What would they gain?’ And gain they did!”

One person shared, “We must recognize that growing old is not for sissies, certainly not for the faint of heart.” Leviticus 19:32 states, “You shall rise before the gray headed and honor the presence of an old man.” The children of the elderly should also be revered, because aging can be cruel and tragic, stripping away the most influential forces from their childhood development. The best way I, and we, can demonstrate love and honor for our parents is through engaging them fully and deeply while they are capable. Our relationships will turn 180 degrees as they become increasingly dependent upon us for protection and well being. Yet, as iron sharpens iron, our relationships will sharpen us; we will, in a better fashion, demonstrate humility, sacrificial love, and an unrelenting reliance on the Lord during the inevitable next journey of life.

—Laura Duncan

New Faces at the RP Home

Laura Duncan, the chief executive officer, and Rebecca King, the director of marketing and public relations, have been warmly welcomed into the Reformed Presbyterian Home’s family. Ms. Duncan started on Dec. 6 and Ms. King on Feb. 24.

“There is an atmosphere of simplicity yet elegance here which manifests in community relationships as well as in bricks and mortar,” reflects Ms. King. “It will be a pleasure to help spread the word about this hidden gem on the North Side!”

Laura Duncan hails from Paterson, N.J. She attended the University of Pittsburgh for undergraduate and graduate studies. During her time in Pittsburgh, she attended Covenant Fellowship RPC of Wilkinsburg, Pa., where she was introduced to the RP Home by Faith M. Martin and Margie Hemphill. “Their love and affection for the organization were displayed front and center when I visited,” shares Ms. Duncan. “There wasn’t a doubt that this special place is singularly devoted to what James called ‘pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father.’” After graduating with her master’s of health administration, she moved to Battle Creek, Mich., to manage projects for a Catholic health system. “I was very happy in Michigan. When Faith called me to request my resume, I thought, ‘Lord, if you want me back in Pittsburgh, I’ll go, but I’m quite comfortable here.’ I am so glad He decided to bring me back!”

Rebecca King, originally from Philadelphia, Pa., attended Temple University and then University of Massachusetts at Amherst. Once in Pittsburgh, she worked as the dean of admission for Winchester Thurston School, responsible for recruitment, enrollment, and retention of students. “Like resident and family care at the RP Home, student and family relationships were key at Winchester Thurston,” Ms. King states. “And the relationships developed can and should last a lifetime.”

As a longtime resident of Observatory Hill, she was not aware of the RP Home until after supporting some family members’ transition to a senior care community. “The maturation of my love for my parents during their moves revealed my next ministry: elder care. I decided to serve through volunteering in a senior care community, and, lo and behold, the RP Home was right around the corner from my home!” said Ms. King. After 16 months of volunteer work, she decided to seek employment at the RP Home.

“She is truly a perfect, providential fit for us at the Home, and the seniors for whom we currently serve and will serve,” says Ms. Duncan. “I have enjoyed serving alongside Ms. King and the staff at the Home, and look forward to the Home’s next 100 years of excellence in caregiving.”