I was born in Ottawa to a Christian home and baptized at the Ottawa RPC. Within a few short years, I moved to Mississauga with my parents and two sisters, one older and one younger. My next sister was born there. We attended the Reformed Presbyterian congregation there, Living Hope. I have sweet memories of singing psalms and learning Bible verses.

Life Changes

In March 2003, my dad passed away suddenly. His death was difficult and upsetting for me. My mom was left to raise four little girls on her own. Looking back I can see God’s faithfulness and care for my family. He always provided for us.

We moved to Vars, Ont., in Dec. 2004 and began attending the Russell, Ont., RPC. I met my best friend Gabrielle there and enjoyed being part of the church family.

In June 2005 my mom married a dairy farmer. It was challenging adjusting to life on a farm, but I enjoyed time spent with my new next-door-neighbor cousins and climbing on anything I could find. I had begun attending a Christian school the previous September. It was a lot of change at once.

My first brother was born, then a sister, then another brother. Seven kids was a houseful! When my brother Tobias was two years old, he was hit by a car and was seriously injured. We didn’t know if he would live. It was a scary time but also one of support and comfort from the church, family, and friends. His accident made me think about life and death. God spared his life, and I am so thankful.

New Life

Even though I grew up in a Christian family and church, I didn’t take hold of Christianity for myself until I was 16. I had always believed in God and what the Bible taught. If you had asked me, I would have identified myself as a Christian.

One of the turning points in my life was at the Winterlude youth retreat hosted by Ottawa RPC. Pastor Jared Olivetti was speaking on the book of James and brought out a verse that convicted me deeply. James 2:19 says, “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder” (NIV). It made me realize that knowing the right answers is very different from being right with God.

I was tormented by thoughts of hell and punishment and a great fear that I was about to die. I wanted to come to the Lord but was afraid. I felt that there was no way for me to stop living a sinful life and clean myself up. Thankfully, God showed me that He was the One who could enable me to forsake sin and purify me with the blood of His Son.

On Oct. 22, 2014, I repented of my sin and put my hope in Christ. The first thing I felt was an overwhelming peace. I had been a troubled and angry teenager; now I was flooded with contentment and rest. Psalms, songs, and Bible verses I had memorized flowed through my mind in a prayer of joyful thanksgiving. I had a desire to read the Bible, to pray, and to walk the Christian walk.

I was eager to make my public profession of faith and joyfully did so in November 2015. I had the privilege of making that profession with my oldest sister, Martha, and my dear friend Gabrielle. Professing my faith publicly gave me a continued seriousness and joyfulness in living my faith for God’s glory. It was a great spiritual high in my life.

The Depths

Life became very hard when I was 17. There were some difficult things going on in my family. I felt guilt and shame even though it wasn’t my fault. I was very sick and felt numb inside for the first week. I spiraled down into depression, feeling crushed, hopeless, worthless, and despicable. I felt nothing and everything. All my energy fled. I didn’t eat much, and I slept at unusual times for long periods or not at all.

Finishing up high school as a home­schooler seemed impossible. I only kept going because I had been accepted at Gillespie Academy to study theology and philosophy. I had been super pumped to go, and I still wanted to, though I began questioning if I should. I felt like quitting everything.

I turned to the Psalms for several weeks and memorized many of them from the psalter. They helped me express my emotions when I didn’t know what my emotions were.

I turned 18 and my thoughts became hopeless. I felt ashamed and began self-harm. Sometimes I did it because the only way I knew how to express my internal pain was to express it outwardly. Sometimes it was because I was empty and wanted to feel something. I knew sin deserved the shedding of blood and hellfire. I had lost sight of God’s grace and saw only His wrath. I thought of the Psalms in despair instead of comfort, agreeing with Psalm 77A that “with thoughts of God my fears arise.” God terrified me.

The Blessing of the Saints

I talked with some people about what I was going through, and they came alongside me. My pastor pointed me to 1 John 3:20: “If our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things” (NKJV). Some of the guilt I was feeling was secondhand. Some of it was my own because of how I had dealt with it. But Christ takes my guilt. Romans 8:1 so wonderfully proclaims, “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus” (NKJV). My life was still very dark, and I took hold of Scripture’s beautiful promises for a moment. Then they slipped from my grasp once more.

Gillespie Academy was a hugely encouraging place for me, almost an anti­depressant. I met some of my dearest friends there. Two in particular, Paige and Micah, were always there for me. They would encourage and counsel, pray and cry with me. The professors there were very kind to me and encouraged me to stay when I asked to drop out. I did stay, and I am so grateful I did. God really used Gillespie for my soul’s blessing. It has been one of the best things in my life.

A Deep Valley

My time at Gillespie was also one of the lowest points in my life. It wasn’t what happened while I was at school but after hours. I had thought suicidal thoughts, and they became more serious. There was a set of train tracks behind the house I was staying at. I would often walk on them thinking of ending my life. I would walk around at night by myself and go down streets and sidewalks I had never been on before. One night I was gone for hours. I tried sleeping at a park and wanted to just disappear and not come back. The police ended up looking for me and brought me to the hospital at one in the morning. They let me go after a couple hours, recommending counseling.

The next night I went up to the tracks and waited for a train. When one came, I became terrified and jumped to the side. I lay crying in the gravel beside the tracks for the next few hours, during which five trains went by. I finally gave up and went to my house.

Suicide was confusing for me. I wanted to die and go to hell. I knew I deserved it for my sins. Yet I could not deny my conversion. I tried hard to convince myself I would go to hell if I committed suicide. I didn’t want to go to heaven; I was afraid of God, and heaven was where I would be face to face with Him. I finally convinced myself that I must have somehow deluded myself into thinking I was saved. I made a noose for myself and was pulling it tight when God broke me in the best way possible. He overwhelmed me with a sense of His mercy and grace and presented Christ to me so clearly. I turned back to Him and vowed I would never take my own life. It was His and not mine.

My life didn’t immediately become happy. I still struggled with depressing thoughts. But I would take them to Christ and lay my burdens at His feet. My last bit of time at Gillespie was free from depression. My delight was truly on Christ and what He had done. It was such a relief giving my cares to Him. I had been a Christian throughout my times of darkness but had lost sight of my precious Savior. What a wonderful thing the gospel is!

Not My Own

I gained a deeper understanding that my life is not my own. I am called to be a living sacrifice. God is the giver and taker of life. He prevented me from usurping that role in my selfish despair. I wanted to live my life purposefully for His glory.

I went to Costa Rica this August on a mission trip and was so encouraged by the work the Lord is doing there. It pushed me out of my comfort zone and opened my eyes to the broader church. Even though we spoke different languages, we had Christ in common. I had the privilege of helping teach English at a Christian grade school and working at CLIR, a print shop for Reformed materials in Spanish. I hope to go into translation and am currently studying linguistics. It was such a blessing to see the zeal of the saints there! They truly desire the gospel to spread in their country and in the world.

I pray that God would use His church for the furthering of His kingdom and that He would be pleased to have me play a part for His glory.

Rachel Avery is a member of the Russell RPC in Ontario, Canada. She is currently beginning a BA in linguistics at Tyndale University.