One day while working at Geneva College (1997–2000), I stopped in the bookstore and bought What Is So Amazing about Grace? by Philip Yancey. Reading it, I came across the statement, “There is nothing I can do to make God love me less and there is nothing I can do to make God love me more.”

Those sentences stunned me. I think I even said aloud, “I do not believe that.” I knew the correct theology about God’s unconditional love given to sinners who believed in Jesus Christ and trusted Him for salvation. I knew the five solas. Reading that plain sentence, however, I saw in a flash of clarity that my actual beliefs did not match my professed beliefs.

I look back at that incident as a watershed moment. The joy and hope that I now experience is directly linked to finally “getting it” that not only can I not please God by what I do, but there is no need for anything further to be done to earn God’s love, because Jesus Christ did it all. I have assurance that I am a Christian, and thus I can count on God’s eternal, unchangeable covenant love. I often need to remind myself of this truth, because there is something deeply embedded in my heart that wants to earn God’s love, but that no longer controls me. It is also a truth so wonderful that there is always more to learn.

I was in my early fifties at the time. I have wondered why it took so long, why the Spirit did not intervene earlier. If there were a video of my whole life that I could watch, I would no doubt see many opportunities where I might have grasped the truth, but chose not to. So I thank God for His persistent grace and trust His purposes in the timing.

Change began very gradually, though. Especially at first, I did not see the connection between complete grace and my daily life. Looking back, however, I can see how the knowledge of an unchanging committed love, based on God’s covenant with us through Christ, began to change me. There is such security in that. It is a safe place to be.

The biggest change that took place was in my decades-long battle with depression and anxiety. Those are complex phenomena involving all aspects of the human being—the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. In my family, there is a history of depression through my paternal grandmother’s line. So, I suppose there is some genetic predisposition to that. Added on to that was my nuclear family culture and being a third-culture kid, a TCK—children who grow up in a different culture from their parents. Then, there is the reality that even children are sinners, so there was the pride and self-will of my own heart.

Putting all those things together, I developed into a perfectionist, a catastrophist (according to a psychologist friend frustrated with my gloom), a people-pleaser, a procrastinator, and so on. It does not surprise me that I grew up to struggle with depression and anxiety. Lest I paint too grim of a picture, though, the Lord also enabled me to enjoy life in many, many ways.

When I was in graduate school in my mid-thirties, I was stuck in the mire of procrastination, so I started counseling. I found a Christian psychotherapist who was also a missionary kid and who raised her children on the mission field. The counseling, however, only rarely made use of God’s Word directly. I spent over 10 years in counseling. It was certainly helpful, but I only learned to manage my depression and anxiety. So, when I moved to Beaver Falls, Pa., to take up the position at Geneva College, it was still a part of my life.

I was at Geneva for only three years. Because of budget cuts, my position was eliminated. I returned to my previous job at the American University of Armenia. After a year, I went to Larnaca, Cyprus, to teach, and after a year there I accepted a position teaching in the new Master’s in Teaching English as a Foreign Language (MATEFL) program starting at the American University of Armenia.

It was a good job, the kind of teaching and directing student research that my PhD degree had qualified me for. I enjoyed my work, colleagues, and students and living in Armenia. Yet, I was dissatisfied. Not knowing what it was I really wanted, I began to pray Psalm 37:4. As I focused on delighting in the Lord, I noticed that I envied my friends who were missionaries. Now, who envies missionaries? I decided to at least apply to the Reformed Presbyterian Global Missions Board. I resigned from AUA, returned to Pennsylvania, and submitted my application. It was accepted, and, in November 2005, I moved to Japan. I lived and worked alongside the church there until 2016.

The eleven years in Japan were good years. The Japanese church, though small, is blessed with excellent preaching and loving, faithful members. I was happy to wear the label of missionary and for opportunities to share the good news of the gospel. I grew in my own spiritual life. It was also while I was in Japan that the Lord delivered me from the long-term depression.

It is too long of a story to tell here, but it was a relief to lose that burden. I remember sitting at home one evening thinking about my years of depression. I wept at how I had wasted so many years. Depression is so self-centered. Now I could look up and see the Lord Jesus, look out and see others. I still have to guard against slipping into depression; I suppose it will be a danger for me until I get to heaven.

There are so many available resources to help. For example, perhaps two years ago, I realized I was depressed. At bedtime, I knelt beside my bed and tearfully asked the Lord for deliverance. The phrase “the years the locusts have eaten” came to mind. I Googled the reference and then sermons on Joel 2:25. Up popped a YouTube site where Charles Spurgeon’s sermons are recorded. I slept well after listening to the comforting words of that sermon in which Spurgeon shared his own experience of seeing God restore the years destroyed by the locusts of depression.

There are many helpful books; I will name just a few. Looking Up from the Stubborn Darkness by Edward Welch helped me understand and deal with depression. I read Dane Ortlund’s Gentle and Lowly twice and will read it again. I found John Owen’s Communion with the Triune God, edited by Kapic and Taylor, extremely helpful, though it took over a year to finish it, since I am not a fluent reader of 17th Century English.

After Owen, I read George Marshall’s The Gospel Mystery of Sanctification. I learned about it at the 2020 Westminster Conference (conducted annually by the Reformed Presbyterian Theological Seminary). Sanctification is the corollary doctrine to justification. My false idea that I could earn God’s approval was my misunderstanding of both doctrines. Understanding our complete justification by God’s grace naturally (in God’s plan, not my inclination) leads to wanting to obey our be-loved Savior out of gratitude and in the Holy Spirit’s power.

That is where I am now in my life. I am learning the joy of seeking sanctification God’s way. Lately, I have become keenly aware of the centrality of church life in the process, starting with the local church I belong to, but reaching out to the wider church. It is true joy to be supported in this walk by the fellowship of other believers, the preaching of the Word, and other means of grace.

I want to end by sharing my life text, a term my parents used for a verse that serves as a kind of mission statement—such as John 15:5 for my mother, which fit her aptly. I wanted a life text but I did not have a clear mission. I finally chose Psalm 16:11: “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” It was more a wish, a dream, than a mission statement. At the time, I simply did not experience joy, nor did I know what to do with my life. I thought my wish would be fulfilled in heaven when I died. There I would have fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore.

It has not been too many years since it suddenly struck me that I did not need to wait until heaven. I am in Christ, united with Him. He sits at the right hand of the Father, so in Christ I am in God’s presence and at His right hand. Pleasures forevermore are mine to enjoy daily.