Whether you are a woman seeking a future husband, or a man seeking a future wife, the same two-word summation serves as a sound, basic marker. While you can’t know exactly how someone may grow and develop during the next 10, 20, or 50 years, there is one thing to look for now that promises to be of great value in the future. Noble character.

In Search of Noble Character

“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones” (Prov. 12:4).

Proverbs devotes a great deal of attention to the subject of marriage, in part because God wants those seeking a spouse to have the benefit of divine wisdom as they choose. Selecting a spouse is often called the second most important decision a person can make (after “choosing” to follow Christ). Certainly there is a great deal at stake in deciding whom to marry, and not merely for the two people involved, but for their children, grandchildren, and the generations to follow. One way Proverbs communicates what’s at stake is by contrasting the personal consequences that can result from choosing a spouse wisely or foolishly. Let’s look at Proverbs 12:4, above, to examine these consequences, both good and bad.

Choosing wisely. Proverbs 12:4 begins by telling us the outcome of choosing wisely: “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown.” Here, the metaphor of the crown implies that a good wife brings her husband blessings, both privately and publicly.

In the private realm, the woman becomes her husband’s crown by being supportive of his call to be the leader in his home. A noble wife respects her husband’s God-given authority in accordance with Paul’s command in Ephesians 5:33, “and the wife must respect her husband.” She crowns him through her Christ-like submission; “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord” (v. 22). The picture here is not of a wife oppressed into servitude to her husband, but rather one who willingly empowers the best characteristics of her husband’s Christ-like leadership. She becomes like a glistening crown upon his head that declares to all who enter their home that this house is ordered according to Christ’s command and example.

The crown metaphor extends beyond the private realm. The crown is also a public symbol. A noble wife enhances the public stature of her husband. When in public, she honors her husband through her modesty and godly behavior. Like a crown upon the head of a king, she becomes for her husband his public glory and thus fulfills God’s creative design—”the woman is the glory of man” (1 Cor.11:7).

The consequences of choosing wisely are clear. A man who chooses a noble wife finds a crown for his head. He finds a woman who builds him up and does not tear him down. He finds aid and support in his calling to lead. He finds respect both privately and publicly.

For women, we find elsewhere in Scripture helpful counterparts to the crown metaphor, encouragements to choose a husband wisely. Husbands are called to love their wives sacrificially for their good, as Christ did for the Church (Eph. 5:25-27). Thus, a noble husband enhances the beauty of his wife—his crown—both publicly and privately, by praising her (Prov. 31:28) and showing her respect (1 Pet. 3:7).

So Christ is your model, ladies. Do you see something of Him in that man who interests you? Do you see the noble character of the Savior resident in him? To the extent that it is, then by God’s grace he has the potential to become a godly husband.

When the choice of a spouse is made wisely, the consequences are life enhancing and God honoring. Domestic tranquility and a good public reputation flow from wise choices in this area of life.

Choosing foolishly. After giving us the promise of a wise choice, Proverbs 12:4 raises the stakes by warning us against a poor choice: “but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” Here the external honor of the crown is contrasted with the awful prospect of inner decay.

In the private realm, such a wife can bring internal suffering to her husband by undermining his ability to lead the household as Christ has called him to do. Proverbs 27:15 captures well how a wife can wear down her husband through unwarranted criticism and constant bickering: “A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day.” The imagery here goes beyond a nagging annoyance akin to a leaky faucet. This is more like a leaky roof, which over time threatens the entire structure of the home.¹ Indeed, a wife like this can render the home itself inhospitable: “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife” (21:9). A disgraceful wife brings sorrow, strife, and dishonor to her husband. She eats away at the core of his being. As William Arnot put it, “Woman is the very element of home, wherein all its relations and affections live and move; when that element is tainted, corruption spreads over all its breadth, and sinks into its core.”² Proverbs reveals that an unwise choice of a spouse can destroy a household.

A man who chooses such a wife will experience decay in his bones in the public realm as well. A disgraceful wife may erode a husband’s reputation through her public actions in a variety of ways. She may dress immodestly. Like Potiphar’s wife, she may flirt with other men. Or she may openly berate her husband in public. Instead of a crown on his head, such a wife becomes a thorn in her husband’s side.

Again, while this verse explicitly addresses the foolish choice of a wife by a husband, its wisdom implicitly works in the other direction as well. Clearly, men can behave wickedly toward their wives, causing internal suffering both privately and publicly. A disgraceful husband can destroy the entire structure of his home by abdicating his responsibilities to lead and provide. He who does so “has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim. 5:8). He too can become like a leaky roof by constantly dripping mean-spirited criticism upon his wife. In the worst of cases, he can become verbally and physically abusive toward his wife. In public, such a man disgraces her through his adolescent behavior, his lack of leadership, and his refusal to put her needs before his own. Such a disgraceful husband causes great suffering to his wife. He is like decay in her bones.

The warnings to men about the consequences of a poorly chosen wife make the same general point to both genders: Choose a spouse wisely or you set yourself up for needless pain. When the choice of a spouse is made foolishly, the consequences are life draining and bring dishonor to God. All that flows from a foolish choice in this area of life is domestic strife and a floundering public reputation.

How to Choose Wisely

A crown on your head or decay in your bones—the contrast between the wise choice and the foolish could scarcely be more stark. It is certainly true that in Christ people can and do change. God is faithful to continually sanctify His children and make them more like Himself. It is not unusual for converts to change markedly, shedding many of their old sinful ways and living far more godly and holy lives.

Yet the warnings found in Proverbs are there for a reason. All of us have besetting sins and habitual sin patterns that tend to reemerge from time to time. The focus in Proverbs is on discerning and evaluating these tendencies, and choosing wisely in light of them. But how can we be certain we are making a wise choice?

The book of Proverbs offers no guaranteed formulas for success. Choosing a spouse is not a matter of mathematics. Marriage will always have risks because it occurs between two sinners in a fallen world. But Proverbs does offer universally helpful guidance in this area. Applying a New Testament perspective to the matter, this guidance can be distilled into three phrases: seek Christ, seek character, and seek counsel.

Seek Christ. “Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord” (Prov. 19:14).

Before we ever seek a spouse, we must first seek Christ. While sound human evaluation of a potential spouse is important, it is even more important to recognize that a good spouse is ultimately a gift from God. Making much the same point as Proverbs 19:14, above, Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.”

Given this reality, we should attend to the matter of choosing a spouse by first pursuing God, and then by pursuing God’s assistance in our search. The best thing you can do, for yourself and your future mate, is to cultivate a deep relationship with Jesus before you even consider commencing a romantic relationship, for marriage will find its deepest taproot in the soil of genuine faith. When that matter of your relationship with Christ is well settled, and it seems time to consider marriage, then seek the guidance, wisdom, and blessing of God in finding and choosing a spouse. As William Arnot notes, “Our Father loves to be consulted in this great life-match for his children, and they who ask His advise will not be sent away without it.”³ Step one in choosing a spouse wisely is to seek the Lord for His wisdom and favor.

Seek Character. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Prov. 31:30).

After seeking Christ, the next step is to begin to act on your prayers in faith that God will meet you. Proverbs is very helpful in this regard because it tells us what to put at the very top of the “wish list”—not personal charm or physical attractiveness, but noble character and holy fear. But how can we tell if our prospective spouse has these traits? That’s an easy one, for Proverbs makes clear that noble character manifests itself in noble actions.

First, as a general guide, both men and women can consult the more than 70 verses in Proverbs that describe the fool, a person clearly lacking in noble character. Do you want to know who not to marry? Anyone who regularly resembles the fool.

Second, as we revisit Proverbs 31, we are reminded that the noble wife brings good to her husband (v. 12), works willingly, vigorously, and consistently (vv. 13, 15, 17, 18), provides food for her family (v. 15), is financially thrifty and entrepreneurial (vv. 16, 24), assists the poor and the needy (v. 20), and speaks with wisdom (v. 26). Of course, the character of the noble husband can be seen through his actions as well. Such a man is self-sacrificing (Eph. 5:25), respectful (1 Pet. 3:7), gentle (Col. 3:19), and able to lead (Eph. 5:23-24). Noble character manifests itself in noble actions.

While these positive traits are helpful in assessing the character of a prospective spouse, Proverbs tells us that a truly noble spouse possesses something more, a character trait superior to all others. In Proverbs 31, after listing all the noble actions of the good wife, the writer provides this capstone to his description of the ideal wife: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (vv. 29-30, emphasis mine). According to Proverbs, the “fear of the Lord” is the most noble of attributes and is to be prized above all other qualities.

Of course, such attributes are not created by marriage. They do not appear out of nowhere as a result of marriage. Rather, the man or woman who will manifest these traits abundantly in marriage will be one who has demonstrated them in a less mature form before marriage. Whether it’s a man seeking a woman, or a woman seeking a man, personal charm and physical attractiveness must not be primary. Clear evidence of noble character and a holy fear of God—that’s what you should look for first.

Seek Counsel. “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” (Prov. 15:22). As we seek Christ and seek character, we must take one additional measure—we must seek the counsel of others. Proverbs advises us on the wisdom of seeking counsel, particularly when we are dealing with major life decisions such as marriage.

This is especially important in matters of romance because it is so easy to be misled by our own infatuation. During a romantic courtship those rose-colored glasses of the heart can tinge everything we see with a pleasing but misleading hue. It can become easy to downplay or even completely ignore real flaws in our prospective mate. “Love is blind” may be an uninspired, lower order of proverb than what we find in Scripture, but it can certainly be true.

We also face the reality that our judgment can be thrown off by the influence of our own sin. Idolatry, for example, can become a genuine risk for the infatuated suitor. How many lovestruck men and women have convinced themselves that some particular person, their object of affection, simply must become their spouse? While there’s nothing necessarily wrong with a deep, yearning love, that desire crosses over into idolatry when it eclipses the place of God in our lives, or when we become so certain that “God wants me to marry” him or her that we refuse even to consider any suggestions to the contrary.

Simply stated, we must trust Scripture more than we trust ourselves. We must believe what Scripture says about us more than we believe our self-assessment. To humbly embrace our need for the counsel of others is to accept the fact that in a sense we must protect ourselves from ourselves. Thus, as soon as we begin to imagine that a particular person may be “the one,” we will seek the counsel of many advisers. We will seek input from our parents, our pastor, and godly friends and mentors. We will find out what they think about the person who has caught our attention. Does this woman have he makings of a wife of noble character? Does this man have the makings of a Christlike, self-sacrificing husband? We will take their answers seriously, and bring the matter before the Lord in prayer.

And we will ask one additional question.

Am I a Wise Choice?

Thus far, this article has been addressed to people not yet married. It has also had primarily an external focus, as if the reader is peering through a telescope at the universe of potential spouses. However, in order to live a Proverbs-driven life you must not only be careful to choose a good spouse. You must become someone worth choosing. This requires asking some tough questions.

For the married readers, we too can serve our marriages and our spouses by asking ourselves some hard questions. So as we prepare to close this article, it will be helpful for all of us to exchange that telescope for a microscope and begin looking intently at ourselves.

For the Unmarried

Whether you are a woman looking for a noble husband, or a man seeking a noble wife, your first responsibility and priority is to take a sober look at yourself. After all, to be worthy of one who is noble, you must be noble yourself. Here are some key questions. With these you can begin a process of self-examination based on the teachings of Scripture.

• Are you a Christian? • Do you fear the Lord? • Are you committed to and active in a local church where the gospel is faithfully preached? • Are you seeking to deepen your relationship with God through prayer and the reading and study of Scripture? • Are you modest and humble in your dress and behavior? • Are you wise in your speech? • Do you display the ability to put others before yourself? • Have you begun to prepare yourself spiritually for marriage? • Women, are you prepared to give yourself in Christ-like submission to the man whom God calls to be your husband and your spiritual head? • Men, have you equipped yourself theologically to be the spiritual leader of your home, and are you willing to love your wife sacrificially?

Do not trust your personal assessment of these questions. Take them before the Lord in prayer. Take them into your study of God’s Word. Take them before your “many advisers” of Proverbs 15:22. To find the answers to these questions is to learn essential truths about yourself. In becoming aware of those truths you position yourself to receive from God the grace to begin changing in whatever ways you may need to.

For the Married

This type of self-examination is not just for those who are looking for a spouse. It also applies to those who are already married. If you are married, you must inquire of yourself, “Am I becoming a more noble spouse?” Again, you can assess this by examining yourself in light of what the Bible calls us to be as husbands and wives.

If you are a wife, you can look at yourself in the mirror of Proverbs 31. The question is not whether you resemble this ideal wife in every detail, but whether your life and character parallel hers in meaningful ways, and whether you are continuing to grow spiritually in these areas.

• Do your daily activities increasingly demonstrate that husband, home, and children are high priorities for you? • Have any of your recent actions and practices merited the praise of your husband? • Can you realistically foresee a day when your children will rise up and call you blessed?

Then, let your inquiry expand to encompass the attributes of godly wives commended in Ephesians 5:22-24 and in 1 Peter 3:1-6. Sometimes spiritual growth does not come quickly, so let the general question be, “Over the course of the past year, have I become a more noble wife in these areas?”

If you are a husband, you also must look at yourself in the mirror of Ephesians 5.

• Are the priorities of the man in Ephesians 5 your priorities? • Do you make some effort each day to love your wife sacrificially—in a way that is not your preference and is for her good?

Again, what you find in Ephesians 5 is a standard of perfection. The same is true with passages like Colossians 3:19 and 1 Peter 3:7. Look at each passage and ask, “Do I bear some meaningful resemblance to the men described?” and “Am I growing spiritually in these areas?”

In order to live the Proverbs-driven life you must not only choose wisely. You must also be a wise choice. The wisdom of Proverbs will equip you to do both, but you need more than wisdom to become the spouse Jesus has called you to be—you need His empowering grace. Only Jesus can make us more like the Proverbs 31 wife or the Ephesians 5 husband, and as we seek to cooperate with Him in this, He will certainly do it.

—Anthony Selvaggio

Excerpted by permission from the book A Proverbs-Driven Life by Anthony Selvaggio (Shepherd Press), available from Crown & Covenant Publications. Anthony is an author, RPCNA minister, and visiting professor at the RP Seminary.

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