*Excerpted from** What the Bible Teaches About Marriage, **© Anthony T. Selvaggio (ISBN 0-85234-634-4). Reprinted by permission of the author and Evangelical Press, www.evangelicalpress.org.*

Exercising Exclusivity

There is an area off the southeastern coast of the United States–encompassing the waters around Bermuda, Miami and San Juan–which is notorious for a series of unexplained ship and aircraft disappearances. There have been many attempts to explain why so many vessels have been lost in this area, ranging from environmental factors to the supernatural. While it may simply be coincidence, a myth, or superstition, what is undeniable is that it can be a dangerous thing to enter the troubled waters known as the “Bermuda” or “Devil’s Triangle.”

The Bible also warns us about a dangerous triangle: a triangle which can threaten to shipwreck a marriage. The triangle I am referring to is created when a married couple allows a third party to intrude into their marriage relationship.

Biblical scholar O. Palmer Robertson remarks as follows regarding the danger of triangulating the marriage relationship:

The intimacies of the marriage relationship are of such a vitally personal nature that the intrusion of a third person into the scene invariably leads to the most intense manifestations of resentment to be found anywhere in human experience. Volumes have been written recounting the jealousies, the intrigues, the hatred, murder, and bad blood that has flowed as a consequence of a love‑triangle.

The reason triangulation is so devastating is because it is a violation of God’s plan. God intended marriage to involve only two parties, one man and one woman. He emphasized the importance of this by commanding the man to “leave his father and mother and be united to his wife” (Gen. 2:24). God told the man that he must first “leave” one relationship (with his father and mother) in order to “cleave” to his new relationship with his wife. In other words, from the very beginning God commanded husband and wife not to triangulate their relationship. God commanded the first couple, and by implication all couples, to exercise exclusivity.

Sources of Triangulation

In order to maintain the exclusive nature of true love, couples must be able to identify the potential sources of third‑party intrusion. Of course, the most obvious, and most damaging form of third‑party intrusion occurs when one member of the couple becomes sexually intimate with another person of the opposite sex. We often refer to this situation as a “love triangle.” The Bible contains many examples of the devastating impact of this type of triangulation. For instance, in O. Palm Robertson’s helpful book The Genesis of Sex, he provides two examples of the devastating consequences of this type of love triangle, both of which come from the book of Genesis.

Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar

Frustrated by her inability to conceive, Sarah suggests to her husband that he attempt to conceive by having sexual relations with her young and fertile handmaid Hagar. Abraham agreed to this scheme. The encounter eventually yielded him a son, Ishmael. While this scheme clearly suggested unfaithfulness to the promises of God on the part of Abraham and Sarah, it also produced strife in their marriage relationship. Even though it was Sarah who originally suggested the liaison with Hagar, she eventually became so jealous of her that she declared the following to Abraham: “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me” (Gen. 16:5). The end result of Abraham and Sarah’s triangulation of their marriage was marital strife and discord.

Jacob, Leah, and Rachel

The second example cited by Robertson is that of Jacob and his two wives, Rachel and Leah. This situation was doomed from the beginning. Jacob unwisely agreed to commence his married life in a triangulated relationship. His marriage began with his wives pitted as fierce rivals for his affection, and what made matters worse was that Rachel and Leah, as sisters, already shared a sibling rivalry prior to becoming rivals as wives.

As Robertson notes, the main source of their rivalry as wives was in the area of providing children for Jacob. These two women became engaged in a competition for their husband’s affections and each one was hoping to win by giving him heirs. Leah got off to a head start by giving birth to six sons before Rachel gave birth to her first. However, Rachel’s son Joseph was special, and he quickly became Jacob’s favorite. Rachel had emerged victorious in the competition and she announced her victory in no uncertain terms: “I have had a great struggle with my sister, and I have won” (Gen. 30:8).

This rivalry between Rachel and Leah not only created strife in Jacob’s marriage, but it also had severe ramifications for the next generation of his family. Because Rachel’s son Joseph was Jacob’s favorite, this led to great jealousy among Jacob’s other sons, particularly among those mothered by Leah. This jealousy eventually led Joseph’s brothers to sell him into slavery. Once again, marital triangulation yielded disharmony and division.

These two biblical examples clearly demonstrate the devastating consequences which result from bringing a third party into the marriage relationship in the form of a love triangle. O. Palmer Robertson enumerates these consequences:

The love triangle can only bring unhappiness, heartache, strife, contention, jealousy, hatred, murder, and devastated lives. From the beginning it has been God’s intent to have only two people joined in the intimacies of love. His fullest blessing will rest only on those who live according to his design.

God’s design is for one man and one woman to come together in an exclusive sexual relationship.

Other Sources of Triangulation

Pornography and the “Emotional Love Triangle”

The two examples we have looked at so far both involved a love triangle which was created when one member of the couple engaged in a direct sexual relationship with a third party. However, there are other ways in which a marriage can become triangulated.

For example, the viewing of pornography by one member of the couple creates the functional equivalent of a love triangle. When a married person views pornography, he or she is bringing a third person into their marriage. Just think about it for a moment. How would your spouse feel if she caught you gazing through binoculars at your neighbor while he or she was undressing? Do you consider this any different from gazing at an undressed person through a computer?

Pornography destroys exclusivity because it makes another person a rival to your spouse. We are living in an age of virtual adultery. Therefore, instead of indulging the lust of the eyes (1 John 2:16), make a covenant with your eyes to avoid the deadly trap of pornography. Follow the example of Job. “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl” (Job 31:1). Triangulation can also occur when one member of the couple gives themselves emotionally to a third party, when they develop an emotionally intimate relationship with someone other than their spouse. This creates an emotional love triangle which can be just as devastating as a sexual love triangle.

This form of triangulation frequently arises in the workplace. It is often the case that spouses spend more time each day with their business associates than with one another. It is very tempting to develop close emotional relationships with these associates, particularly those of the opposite sex. Often these relationships begin to include the sharing of intimacies which should he reserved solely for the marital relationship. This type of emotional sharing is wrong even if it never leads to physical intimacy.

There is such a thing as emotional adultery. Christians must avoid triangulating their marriages through emotional love triangles.

Work, Friends, Family and Recreation

While our work, friends, families and recreation are all wonderful blessings, they can also become destructive if they are allowed to intrude too far into the heart of the marriage relationship or if they develop into rivals to our spouses. It is very easy for us to allow these otherwise good things to so consume our affections and time that we neglect our spouses because of them. For example, pursuing career ambitions can lead one to be away from his/her spouse so much that there is no time to cultivate a romantic loving relationship.

When I practiced law I often heard the saying, “The law is a jealous mistress.” The point of this saying is that the legal profession can quickly become the “other woman” in a marriage. It can begin to demand more and more of you so that you neglect your wife. I felt these pressures when I practiced law. However, this proverb is not only applicable to the legal profession; it applies across the board to all types of careers.

There is a particular risk in this area for those men and women who serve in full‑time Christian ministry. It is very easy for those engaged in callings of this order to excuse the neglect of their spouses with platitudes about serving God. How many pastors’ wives are unduly neglected for the sake of the congregation? If you are married, regardless of your calling, you have an obligation not to make your calling a rival to your spouse.

In addition to the temptations of career, it is possible for a marriage to be triangulated by family or friends. This type of triangulation occurs when a member of a family or a close friend begins to exert so much influence in a marriage that they actually undermine marital communication and trust. This most often occurs when one spouse is so inordinately dependent on parents that they allow the parents to intrude into the heart of their marital relationship. If you first turn to a friend or family member for advice instead of your spouse, then you are at risk of triangulating your marriage.

Finally, recreation can also become a potential source of triangulation in a marriage. When this particular source of triangulation emerges, it is normally the fault of the husband. It is often the case that men are more interested in collecting and using their “toys” than they are in spending time with their wives. When a husband places his leisure time above the needs of his wife, he is making his recreation a rival to his wife. A Christian husband must not allow this triangulation to occur in his marriage.

Children as a Potential Source of Triangulation

There is an even more subtle third‑party threat to the marriage relationship. It is possible for a couple’s own children to emerge as an intrusive rival to their own romantic relationship. Everyone who has had a child knows that children are extremely needy and demanding. My wife and I learned the truth of this after we adopted our first child. We quickly realized that it was quite easy to neglect one another in the face of the immense responsibility of caring for an infant, particularly when we were both suffering from sleep deprivation! However, it is not just infant children who pose a threat to the marriage relationship.

In our age many parents fall into the trap of organizing their home around the needs of older children who are engaged in a vast array of activities. These couples spend their time as chauffeurs for their children while their own relationship suffers. Couples who make children the center of their marriage often experience devastating and lasting consequences to their marriages–consequences which only become apparent after the children are gone.…By making children the focal point of the home, couples run the risk of unwittingly allowing themselves to grow apart. Just consider how many divorces occur in our society after the children have left home.

Clearly, raising children is an important activity in God’s kingdom. However, when couples allow child rearing to become so all‑consuming that they neglect their own romantic relationship it not only harms their relationship, but it ultimately harms their children as well. For example, Christian counselor Jay Adams notes that when couples make the parent‑child relationship primary, they actually end up depriving their children. Adams suggests that this deprivation occurs because parents who make their children the center of their lives fail to set a good example of a healthy husband and wife relationship for their children. Children raised under such circumstances are more likely to grow up and repeat the same error in their marriages. In addition, Adams notes that parents who make children the center of their lives often have difficulty letting go of their children when they get married. Because they made their children the center of their lives they are tempted to keep them there. This temptation often produces strife in the marriages of their children.’’

How to Avoid Triangulation

So how can couples protect themselves against third‑party intrusions? How can couples prevent triangulation in their marriages? This is an admittedly difficult task, and it requires constant vigilance. However, the following are a few steps which couples can take to reduce the threat of triangulation.

First, couples must commit to continually work together to establish and maintain mutually agreed upon boundaries to these other relationships of life. This means that couples must frequently assess whether work, friends, family, recreation, or even their children, are intruding inappropriately into their marriage relationship.

Second, couples must make certain that they are scheduling time to be alone as a couple. It is vital for couples to carve out time just for themselves. In fact, one of the ways that couples can determine if they are keeping their marriage as the primary relationship is by examining their calendar to see what is dominating their life.

It is very easy in this busy age for couples to fill their calendars with a variety of activities and neglect being together as husband and wife. For example, my wife and I are involved in a busy pastorate in a college community with many activities. Our schedule is so busy that we find it necessary to keep a three-month calendar on our refrigerator just to keep things straight. One of the things we do to protect our exclusive time is to set aside time on our calendar just for us. We simply mark off days for us as husband and wife, and we treat these days as an inviolable commitment to one another. There is nothing inappropriate about telling someone you cannot attend a function because you want, and need, to be with your spouse. Christian couples must set aside time to be together exclusively.

Third, if you are a couple with children, analyze the time you are spending on your children and their extracurricular activities. Perhaps a child does not need to engage in three sports; maybe one will suffice. Perhaps they do not need to ride horses and play a musical instrument and participate in the school play and take karate lessons. If the scale has tipped so far that your children are the center of your home, it is time for a rebalancing.

Finally, couples must always remember that after their relationship with God, the marriage relationship is the primary relationship of their life. They must never forget that they are always husband and wife before they are employers or employees, sons or daughters, fathers or mothers. When couples fail to keep first things first, when they fail to exercise exclusivity in their marriages, this failure not only impacts the marriage relationship, but it also impacts ill the other relationships and duties of life.

For example, couples who fail to exercise exclusivity in their marriages often find that they are less able to honor their own parents, raise their children, help in their churches, serve in their communities, maintain effective friendships and glorify God in the workplace. By keeping your marriage relationship primary, you will find that you are better able to serve Christ effectively in every sphere of life.

I began this section by using the Bermuda Triangle as an illustration; let me close this section by referring once again to this mysterious place. The Bermuda Triangle is one of two places on earth where a magnetic compass points to true north rather than magnetic north. This is known as a “compass variation.” If a navigator of a vessel does not adjust for this variation he will eventually find himself way off course. Even though the variation is only slight at first, the longer he fails to adjust for it, the further he will drift off course.

A similar dynamic can occur in a marriage in which the couple does not exercise the exclusivity of true love. At first it may seem that their failure to protect their marriage from third‑party intrusions will only impact their marriage slightly, but as time goes by the couple may find themselves further and further off course. They may find themselves adrift in troubled waters, lost at sea. In order to avoid such a fate, couples must continually ensure they exercise the exclusive nature of their love.

The Most Exclusive Love of All

One of the ways to encourage yourself to exercise exclusivity in your marriage is by considering the exclusive God’s love for His bride. The Bible teaches us that God’s love for His people is an exclusive love. God treats His church as His exclusive treasured possession: “For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession” (Deut. 7:6; emphasis mine). The principle of exclusivity is at the heart of the main covenant promise of the Bible: “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God’” (Rev. 21:3).

The Old Testament book of Hosea reminds us that, while the people of God may stray from their faithfulness, God’s love and loyalty remains exclusively fixed on them and them alone. God’s love entertains no rivals. His love for us is exclusive. Therefore, imitate God by loving your spouse in a similar manner.