If you were truly in need, to whom would you turn? How many friends could you rely on to help you in a time of distress, not counting family? Take a moment; we’ll wait. Now give thanks for those friends. Again, we’ll wait. Did your pastor (or his wife) make your list? Would you be on his (or his wife’s) list?

You might think, of course my pastor made my list. But did he do so from friendship or because of his calling? Pastors are called to show care and to respond to those in need, like a doctor. He meets needs as he has opportunity. But who does he call when in need?

People, including pastors themselves, wonder if pastors, and/or their wives, can have close friends within their congregation. Can they socialize or perhaps confide in members? If they spend more time with some rather than others, might that be construed as favoritism? If a pastor is close to some, it may appear as if those members “have the ear of the pastor” or may even exercise undue influence in the congregation by virtue of their friendship.

To avoid the appearance of favoritism, pastors and their families can feel pressure to restrict their social interactions with members. Some pastors may limit their social connections to congregational functions only, while others may simply take a more professional approach, relating to all through a pastor/congregant paradigm. It is possible, therefore, for pastors and their families to live lonely lives, isolated from the support and warmth of close, intimate friendships.

In their daily lives, members of churches move among various circles and environments. Work, church, community, and often school provide opportunities to build social connections and friendships. For the pastor, these circles overlap. His work and church consist of the same persons. And when he is in the community, he is always there as a pastor (and in some traditions pastors dress accordingly), which often creates its own strange dynamics. I have found people are more guarded when around pastors and are less themselves, in case they should offend God’s representative. So, it is frequently difficult for pastors and their wives to make friends.

But your pastor needs friends. Jesus had friends. He called His disciples friends, and, even among the twelve, He had three with whom He shared more intimately. Some might think this is the role of the elders, to be friends of the pastor; but that’s not how most friendships work. Friendships are borne of affinity, affection, connection, and compatibility. Some persons or relationships just click. Others do not. The Bible gives no reason but notes that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David. They became fast friends, and they shared victories and griefs together. Proverbs 27:9 is illustrated in their friendship: “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” Could you be such a friend to your pastor?

Friends regularly hang out together. They enjoy similar activities. They spend unplanned time together simply as friends. Does your circle of friends have room for your pastor? Does your group of girlfriends have space for your pastor’s wife? What do you share in common with your pastor or his wife? Begin there. You can be his or her friend.

At first, this might seem a little strange. This is the person who preaches each week. Might you find yourself in a sermon illustration? Might the pastor use his pulpit to address an issue in your life rather than approach you directly? Might you feel you must be on your best behavior when the pastor or his wife is around? Will they accept you as you are, with all your weaknesses and insecurities? We can’t guarantee the answers to those questions, as every person is unique—pastors included. And friendships always entail risk. But we can affirm that your overtures of friendship will be deeply appreciated by your pastor, even if no ongoing friendship results.

So, take a risk. Invite your pastor and/or his wife to join you in some excursion. Ask about their life, their hopes and dreams. Discover their hobbies and pastimes. Show interest. Be ready to listen. Your pastor and his wife are in need of community just like you. It’s likely they need a safe place to simply be themselves, apart from their role and his office. Offer your friendship.