I was sitting at a table with two other trained Christian conciliators listening to a room full of church leaders try to describe the situation at their conflicted church.

“I don’t know how to describe it…”

“You know what it’s like? It’s like a wire hanger that’s been bent and twisted…”

“Yep. It’ll never be straight again…”

“I think we all know it’s not just one wire…”

“You got that right. It’s like a gigantic ball of twisted, tangled wire…”

There was a short silence, then, from across the room, came, “Yeah…barbed wire.”

I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up as the air was sucked out of the room. My thoughts turned to lifeguard training and the definition of panic: “that sudden, unreasoning, and overwhelming terror that destroys a person’s capacity for self-help.”

The leaders of this church had just told us that even if someone could uncross the wires and unwind all the threads, the situation would never get straightened out. But worse than that, they let us know that nobody could even approach the issue without getting torn to pieces.

Had Satan won here? Was there any hope at all? The reconciliation team had to find a way to enter that church’s dark world with the light of the gospel and grace—but how?

This article explores the concept of building “passport”¹ as a tool for approaching Christian brothers and sisters who are experiencing conflict, and discusses love, know, speak, and do, ² as reminders of how Jesus enters our struggles as the Prince of Peace.

What Is Passport?

Webster’s dictionary defines passport as

• a permission or authorization to go somewhere;

• something that secures admission, acceptance, or attainment;

• a license issued by a country permitting a foreign citizen to pass or take goods through its territory…³

We are accustomed to thinking about passports when traveling abroad or crossing borders into another nation. There are no such passport requirements for entering a person’s home or talking to them about personal matters. Or are there? I expect that most of us would be dialing 911 if someone walked into our homes unannounced after bedtime! Let’s be clear: Even if you are a fellow believer, you need personal authorization to enter my house.

People generally do not grant access to their living space—or the details of their lives—unless a certain level of trust is established. So, just as a foreign nation grants or denies passport to someone seeking entry, as a Christian conciliator I need authorization from individuals in conflict to enter their lives and their experiences. I need a personal passport.

How Is Passport Obtained?

Whether consciously or unconsciously, individuals ask the following questions, in order, when deciding to grant or deny personal passport: (1) Do you care about me? (2) Can I trust you? (3) Can you really help me?

As a Christian conciliator, I am always mindful of these questions when entering a conflict. I know that the people I meet will have a hope tank, as it were, that is nearly empty. I can also expect a healthy amount of fear and anxiety to be driving conflicted people to take desperate actions. In short, if I hope to minister in the situation I must show that I care, seek to win trust, and be competent to help.

Do You Care about Me?

This checkpoint says, “If you want to truly know me, you’ll watch me, listen to me, work to understand the world as I am experiencing it. And if you truly love me, you’ll show me that you care by giving me your time and your attention.”

Before people will share about their hopes, desires, disappointments, and struggles, they need evidence that you know and love them. This is especially important in conflict, where people are seeking help or compassion. But passport can also be built proactively in everyday interactions.

Consider the range of responses to a simple question like, “How was your week?” The response may be “Fabulous,” or it may also be “Could’ve been better,” or even “Meh” if you’re dealing with teens. Do you hear in each of these responses people subtly asking, “Do you care about me? And do you love me enough to take the time to get to know me and what’s important to me?”

President Teddy Roosevelt is credited with the saying, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care,” but the Bible said it first: “God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). Jesus entered into our world by “[emptying] Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men” (Phil. 2:7).

Jesus knew sinful mankind before His incarnation, and yet He came to us and walked beside us in our hopeless, fearful, unlovable state. Jesus loved sinful mankind not by coming to be served, but by serving and by giving His life as a ransom (Matt. 20:28). In so doing, Jesus provided powerful proof that He cares about us.

As a Christian conciliator imitating Jesus in conflict situations, I am very intentional in passport building. I want to gather factual data (Who was there? What happened?), and I want to move purposefully into the person’s interpretation of events (What did you think when it happened? Why did you respond the way you did?). When I’m asking factual and interpretive questions, I am saying, “I love you and I care about you. It’s worth my time to know about your struggles and concerns.”

Are you in the process of building and maintaining passport with fellow believers? Do people know that you care? Ask God to show you who He is calling you to love and to know in the church.

Can I Trust You? Can You Really Help Me?

The checkpoints “Can I trust you?” and “Can you really help me?” say, “Speak the truth to me in love. Help me understand my thoughts and actions. Give me hope for real heart change. Help me know what to do.”

Trust is at the heart of building and maintaining passport, and people in conflict must be convinced of the competence and reliability of your counsel before committing to act on it. People in conflict have often had trust violated or disappointed, so the natural guardedness for their heart is on high alert. As a result, I am careful to move slowly and deliberately, not advancing further than my passport allows.

In my experience, one of the worst trust killers is the temptation to be the “quick fixer.” As onlookers, we may be able to see immediately how things went off track, who is at fault, or what it would take to restore order; but, rather than proving your competence, asserting your opinions early in the process undermines trust and weakens passport. Jumping in with a quick fix tells people in conflict that you have not cared enough to listen or understand fully, and it can result in your passport being revoked.

To speak in a manner that builds passport, we need to follow the wisdom of God’s Word. James is clear: the “harvest of righteousness” for peacemakers (Jas. 3:18) is not produced without being “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (Jas. 1:19). We are called to speak the truth—even painful truths, confronting sinful attitudes and actions—but James here is urging us to speak in the right manner (without anger) and at the right time (after being careful to listen).

Paul also warns against hastiness or haughtiness, instead urging gentle restoration: “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted” (Gal. 6:1).

Just like the quick fix kills trust and erodes passport, so does falling for the temptation of relying on my own wisdom as the expert. The spirit of gentleness Paul speaks of can only come from the recognition of my own sin and helplessness before God. Instead of standing above people in conflict, my passport is only valid when I come alongside as a fellow sinner humbly admitting my own need and pointing the way back to the only trustworthy source of hope and direction.

As Christ’s ambassadors, peacemakers help people see themselves in the mirror of God’s truth and God’s agenda for change.⁴ With passport firmly established, people will allow a surgeon to cut into their body with a sharp instrument for the purpose of removing a cancer. The same concept holds true for the peacemaker who has established passport with a fellow Christian experiencing conflict. With passport, the precision tool of God’s Word can be brought to bear, calling a person to change, and to do what the Bible says.

Are you trustworthy? Are you practiced at holding up the mirror of God’s Word for yourself and for others? Is God calling you to be a peacemaker in your church?

Epilogue

Sitting in the room with the conflicted church leaders, I remembered having felt that wave of hopelessness and fear before, threatening to suck me in. It was then that the Spirit called to mind the Prince of Peace saying, “I am the resurrection and the life.” These fellow strugglers needed to be reminded of God’s sovereign power to resurrect dead relationships and make straight what had been twisted by conflict.

If I can love them and show that I care…If I can get to know their struggle and win their trust…If I can share with them Your hope, Lord Jesus, and speak Your truth to them about what they need to do, then I can be Your instrument to redeem this seemingly hopeless situation.

Lord, help me to build passport.

Jonathan Parnell is an attorney who serves as a Christian Conciliator® with the Institute for Christian Conciliation (instituteforchristianconciliation.com). He has served in various congregations and presbyteries in the RPCNA, teaching and consulting in the area of biblical conflict resolution, conflict coaching, biblical mediation/arbitration, and church-wide reconciliation teams. Jonathan and his wife, Lisa, have been married 30 years and are members of the Topeka, Kan., RPC, where Jonathan serves as a ruling elder.

Notes