Expectation

In August 2016, we had just found out that we were expecting our first child. Thoughts of the future were flooding our minds, with waves of emotions ranging from anticipation, excitement, and joy to anxiety, wonder, and slight fear. We gave thanks to the Lord, and Psalm 139:13–14 came to mind: “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

We began scheduling doctor’s visits, sharing this news with family and friends, and planning the future. Family and friends were excited and celebrated with us, as it had been several years of waiting and hoping. Of course, everyone had their loving advice that they wanted to offer: Don’t overwhelm yourselves; Take it one day at a time; Make sure you both stay before the Lord in prayer, and so much more. We appreciated all of the love and support, but, most importantly, we remembered 1 Thessalonian 5:17–18: “Pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

Realization

It was time to go to the first ultrasound. We settled into the office, and, as the appointment began, we soon realized that things were not as we had expected. The pregnancy was much further along than we had thought, which was not overly concerning but just surprising.

We noticed that the technician’s smile slowly turned blank and she grew very quiet. We asked, “Is something wrong?” and the response she gave was, “I am going to get the doctor and I will be right back.” I had a feeling prior to the appointment that something was drastically wrong, and her comment, in my opinion, confirmed it. Tears began to flood my eyes. I tried to contain myself as much as I could, and my husband was very consoling and tried to use words of comfort. He reminded me that we weren’t sure what was going on and I should try to not overexcite myself.

The doctor came in and looked over everything. In a panic he told us that our baby would not survive and that we needed to go straight to the hospital for me to have life-saving, emergency surgery. What a shock! I was completely overwhelmed and inconsolable. So many thoughts and emotions were coming so quickly. I said to myself, “Lord, please help me.” Isaiah 41:10 came to my mind: “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

After surgery, we gave thanks that the Lord was merciful and kind and that He brought us through it. He brought us through the recovery process as well. During that time, I had many more opportunities to read, pray, meditate, and draw even closer to God and get to know more about Him and His lovingkindness and tender mercies. My husband and I drew closer to Him collectively and so closer to one another.

Five years had gone by since this loss, and we found that we were expecting yet again. I’m sure you can imagine our level of excitement but also our feelings of slight concern. Our concern, however, was pressed down because we remained hopeful to God, and all of the follow-up visits and reports were positive. There should have been no reason for alarm.

In an effort to exercise caution this time, we decided not to share our news with anyone until we had our first ultrasound—not because we did not believe, but because we did believe. We also needed to consider the impact this could have on those we love, depending on which way this situation was going. Getting everyone’s hopes up again would have devastated them all the more, and that was not something we wanted.

We had no choice but to wait on the Lord as Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait on the Lord: be of good courage and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.” As we waited, we prayed. And as we waited, we gave thanks. This time around, we knew what the outcome could potentially be, and this helped our hearts and minds to be clear.

The appointment was scheduled, and we were on our way, still praying and still giving thanks to the Lord. We arrived, went in for the appointment, and noticed the same expression on the technician’s face as we had seen the first time. That settled it. We knew what this meant.

Prior to the appointment, we had made sure to have certain things in place in case it did not turn out as we had hoped and prayed, even down to what I was wearing to the appointment to make sure that I was wearing loose and comfortable clothing.

We asked the question again, “Is something wrong?” but this time the technician asked me to get dressed and for my husband and I to wait in another room. That took us by surprise, but we did as we were asked. The doctor came in and talked with us about what was going to need to happen next—we were en route again to the hospital to have emergency surgery.

Because this occurred during a pandemic, I was not able to have my husband come up with me. He could only stay in the waiting area for someone to come and get him once I was in recovery. I could only imagine how this was for him, to experience this a second time, to not be able to see his wife, but to wave and say, “See you after the surgery” as she walked away. Thinking of him alone in the waiting area hurt me more than what I was physically experiencing. At that time, I encouraged myself that God’s love is everlasting. He loves us so much that He gave His Son for us: “For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life” (John 3:16).

Surgery was complete, and now the recovery and grieving processes began. After the second surgery, there was no chance we would ever have children naturally.

This second time around was a bit of an emotional roller coaster with much prayer, reading the Word, the love and support of family and friends, and most importantly the love of God. Many times I asked the Lord to heal me from the inside out. We both needed strength emotionally and physically to get through this together. In prayer and meditation on the Word, we knew that His grace is sufficient for us, and that His power is made perfect in weakness. And we also knew Philippians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Determination

As time goes by, our love for the Lord continues to grow stronger, as does our bond and love with one another. Of course, we had thoughts and hopes of having a natural family of our own, to raise in the fear and admonition of the Lord, to enjoy, and to teach the ways of the Lord, but God said no. There were alternative options presented to us by the medical professionals, but we had it settled that God said no. And because God is sovereign, there was nothing else to discuss.

Please don’t weep for us. We are sharing this story in hopes that it may help others that are faced with challenges of conceiving and having a natural family of their own. The Lord is our portion forever. Oh, how wonderful and comforting that is. He is a mother to the motherless, a father to the fatherless, and everything that we need. When tragedies in life come up against us, it helps us to remember these things and focus on His love for us and know that God makes no mistakes. Everything that happens has been ordained and is according to His perfect will. “Rejoice in the Lord always: and again, I say rejoice” (Phil. 4:4).