Before God saved me, I was an arrogant, self-reliant woman. I had grown up believing I could do anything I wanted to do, and so I set out to do it. My search was for self-fulfillment. From my activities in high school to my choice of friends in college to the career I decided upon, and, ultimately, to the marriage I entered into shortly after graduation, I was looking only to satisfy myself and my happiness. I truly believed everything that happened to me was a result of the choices I’d made, and that the only real consequences of those choices would be my “experiences,” whether good or bad.

While growing up in my church, I learned that it was my decision and mental assent to God and the Bible that determined my salvation. So, although I would never deny God outright, I figured that I could do whatever I pleased until I was ready to settle down. Then I would obey and live like a Christian.

“After all,” I thought, “God would forgive anyone who asked.” I already knew what Christians were supposed to do, but I wasn’t doing it.

Shortly before I was first married, I felt very convicted by my lifestyle. I knew the man I was to marry was not a Christian and was openly opposed to anything religious. I considered breaking the engagement, but I reasoned with myself that marriage was hard work. I was willing to do the work it took to make sure things worked. Before I had a chance to reconsider, I suggested to my fiancé that we elope. I arrogantly thought that God might bless our marriage if I became obedient to Him later, after we were married. I thought I could control God!

In my first year of marriage, the seeds of rebelliousness began to sprout and grow. I was getting everything I wanted, but somehow what I wanted was not bringing the fulfilment I thought it would. I had always wanted to see the world, and I was living in a tropical, foreign country. I wanted a job as a teacher and was able to find one in spite of much competition. I was married to the man I’d chosen for myself, and we had enough income to travel wherever we wanted to go.

But God, in His providence, did not let me prosper by my own abilities.

I missed my home more than I wanted to admit. Six months after my move, my grandfather died. I proved to be quite under-qualified for my job, and, as a result, performed poorly and was not asked back the following year. My husband’s job took him away for weeks at a time, and so, although I was married, I was surprised to be experiencing loneliness. I began seeking solace in food and drink. The day I was packing my bags for a much anticipated trip home to the U.S., I found a piece of paper that confirmed suspicions regarding my husband’s infidelity.

For the first time in my life, I realized that I was not in control. On the 20-hour plane trip home, I cried out to God because I had nowhere else to turn. I remember confessing that whatever it took, I would follow God’s ways since mine had gone so wrong. God brought me to the point of repentance, but He took four more years to teach me to abhor my sins.

My husband would not confess his indiscretions, so we continued to live together and stay married. I convinced myself things really weren’t that bad and began reading my Bible and attending Bible study. I was growing in my knowledge of Christ, but began behaving self-righteously towards my husband and even found myself continuing in my sinful habits to keep the peace with him.

We moved back to the United States after three years overseas. I found a church, and God provided a wonderful mature Christian woman as a friend for me. It was becoming more difficult to resolve our partying lifestyle with my growing faith. The tension in our family grew. Again, I suspected my husband was being unfaithful—only this time my suspicions were confirmed with my own eyes. My husband claimed he was sorry, so again I forgave him.

I realized that if there was any hope of being a witness to him of Christ, my behavior would have to change. I stopped partying and nagging him about going to church. I tried to heed the advice of 1 Peter 3:1-2. With God’s help, I worked really hard to put his needs ahead of mine, and I stopped turning to food for comfort. I was not perfect. Within six months, my husband moved out and said he wanted a divorce. The fruit of my rebelliousness and arrogance was the loss of my marriage and the humiliation of returning to my hometown divorced.

Throughout this devastating time—losing my home, lifestyle, and husband—God was faithful. I clung to the promise in Jeremiah 29:11, “ ‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.’ ” The whole book of Jeremiah testifies to what God was doing in my life, teaching me to fear Him by allowing me to reap the punishments of what I had sown in my sinfulness. And yet, in His mercy, He did not give me the complete destruction I deserved and even gave me a whole new life and future.

I was able to find a job shortly after returning home. God enabled me to buy a house near where I worked. He provided the support of Christian friends and relatives who eventually introduced me to a tall, quiet, Christian man, Joe, who would teach me to swing dance (something I had wanted to learn for several years). Although I thought that I had squandered my opportunity to become a wife and mother and was becoming content with the idea God may have had other plans for me, Joe and I began to develop a warm friendship. I remember discussing how, out of respect for one another and God, we would view our friendship as preparation for marriage or stop spending time together. What a change from all the dating I had done before! Although I still didn’t expect it, one day Joe professed his love to me and asked me to be his wife.

We had a lovely Christian wedding and beautiful honeymoon and then settled into our new life together. God has been so good to us. During our first year of marriage, we were blessed with a beautiful home near family and a church where we could continue to grow in the fear and knowledge of Him. Through Bible study, we had become convinced of Reformed teachings, and God led us to Sycamore Reformed Presbyterian Church in Kokomo, Ind. Hearing the doctrines of grace had been an answer to prayer. I had prayed often, in my distress, for God to keep me humble and allow me to know Him more completely. Understanding the extent to which man has fallen through original sin caused me to rejoice and marvel at the redemption from the fall Christ has provided. I continue, through God’s gracious revelation, to be humbled by how much higher His ways are than ours.

In the five years since we were married God has blessed us with two wonderful children: Jack, two and a half, and Evelyn, one. He has also entrusted us in the care of His church. Joe is a deacon, and we serve on various committees. Although I am often tempted to despair under the stresses of serving my husband and two young children, when I think about from where God has brought me I can say with Peter, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life” (John 6:68). I realize that it is God who has secured my salvation and not my own efforts. I am so thankful for God’s welfare! I have hope, because as Psalm 136 says, “His lovingkindness is everlasting.”

Julie and her family are members of Sycamore (Kokomo, Ind.) RPC.