In the matter of courtship I am very much a learner. This alternative to my own experience of dating was relatively new to us when my wife and I were granted a most refreshing blessing in our daughter’s courtship and marriage. Jenny married Max Parish on Jan. 4, 2008.

My wife, Lori, and I had already become convinced of some basic principles about relationships, which we wanted to instill in our children. But as our eldest was growing up, we looked on, perplexed a bit, at what it would mean to bring those principles to bear in real life! We continue to strive to have all our dealing with the subject magnify the goodness of our Lord and serve the deepest well being of our other two children, ages 18 and 15.

How did Jenny and Max meet? First, Jenny became friends with Max’s sister, a fellow senior in the class of 2007. Sally and Jenny got to know each other at a school event for graduation planning, and Jenny remarked on the way home how full of grace and genuineness Sally had been. In time we looked for a way to get to meet her family; they live about 45 minutes to the east of us. It was a large and happy family—Sally plus two sisters and four brothers, the three youngest siblings awaiting finalization of their adoption, and their parents. A fifth brother was married and living in Los Angeles.

One of my first impressions of Max, then 21, came when I saw how his soon-to-be-adopted siblings ran to him with smiles and open arms. Lori and I found that this was a thoughtful, believing family. An early discovery of a mutual love for music also began to knit our families together.

The day we were working together in the shop/barn at his parents’ place, my ears perked up when Max said, “What’s your take on the whole courtship thing?” He had thought a lot about it, and I remember being encouraged to find that he was of similar mind with me on how the Scripture informs us on the subject. For my part, I was not inclined to over-define the issue. I believed, and still believe, that our Lord’s way has been to communicate fundamental principles as opposed to itemized, step-by-step prescriptions. Though I’m hyperbolizing here, I was not inclined to look at Scripture’s account of Isaac’s fatherly role in the wedding of his son Jacob and conclude that I should work out the required weight of the nose rings we should send with a servant to a prospective bride (Gen. 24:22)!

Of what had Lori and I already become convinced? How did the basic principles in God’s Word guide us? It seemed to us that several things leaned hard away from the common dating system:

1) The uniqueness of the marriage relationship, in that it creates a distinct and life-bonded family identity (Mark 10:8);

2) The calling to lifelong commitment to that one person as spouse and that one alone (Mark 10:9);

3) God’s hatred of breach-of-commitment in this matter (Mal. 2:16); and

4) The resounding call to purity (1 Thess. 4:1-7).

Passionate, emotionally romantic and/or physical enmeshment between parties that are not near any serious consideration of enduring commitment seemed plainly unfitting. A long series of such enmeshed relationships, one after the other, seemed wholly unsuitable as a foundation for a healthy marriage whenever it would come. While I’ve thought there can be an overly fearful emphasis on protecting emotions (“You’ll only have a partial heart left to bring to your marriage…”), still I had come to feel that it is important to consider what kind of guy/girl interactions prior to marriage serve to protect and edify a future marital relationship as set forth in Scripture. When Max came along, he was already of this mind.

I have to admit that there is some pride lurking in me that wishes I could say that Jenny’s courtship was golden because of my thorough fatherly teaching. Instead I have to put my hand to my mouth and bow my head in thankfulness, with a bewildered smile, for what I received:

1) Max was eager to interact with me. The sense that we both wanted that which would glorify our Lord and bless Jenny was the atmosphere from day one. We interacted a lot, and he invited that interaction as much as I.

2) The Lord had, from his grace, given Max that measure of faith-maturity and cultivated abilities which enabled him to be in a life position to think about marriage in the relatively near future. When we had our first conversation about his interest in Jenny (at Panda Express), neither of us knew what could or would develop in time, but he said to me, in effect, “I’m not just asking if I may take her out for ice cream! Whatever romantic interest I invest (which, by that time had begun to preoccupy his mind, I think!) will be directed toward discerning if it is the Lord’s will that we marry.” That wasn’t premature. I was glad he was thinking that way before any of us could know the outcome.

3) Max recognized the value and necessity of restraint in physical expression of his affection. When I asked him to be open with me if there were any temptation difficulties, he welcomed the request. A point of interest here is that Max and Jenny made a decision early on, that they would reserve the treasure of kissing for their wedding day and beyond. I do not feel that a wholesome kiss would have been unsuited to the season of engagement, but the choice, freely made, proved to be healthy, and not burdensome to them.

How does all this bear upon how I hope to guide my other two children? First, I would approach any possible courtship-type relationship of theirs with the desire to see the same three things in place that I saw in Max and Jenny’s relationship: an eagerness to interact, with a view toward glorifying the Lord, a willingness and readiness to consider the commitment of marriage, and a recognition of the call to purity with a commitment to live accordingly.

And, until the time that a courtship is in view, I will counsel them to engage in the healthiest kind of guy/girl interaction involving camaraderie in Christ, friendship, exploration of beliefs, and service (along with, of course, the above commitment to purity and desire to glorify the Lord)—without the Facebook designation “in a relationship.” It would be naïve, of course, to think that the feelings will not be brewing rather regularly when young people are together; the question is, “What is the healthiest investment of oneself in the subject when a wedding can’t be in view very soon?” The contemplation of whether a given person might be a potential spouse is perfectly wholesome. And I contend that there is a hearty kind of interaction and reflection that can work with and process that idea at many points along the way.

However, recreational, low-commitment, though romantic, dating doesn’t seem to serve that very well. Even when mutual affection is recognized, it seems wise to hold off on the intense cultivation of romance, statements or tokens of exclusivity, and, especially, any exploration of physical pleasures through affectionate touch.

What I hope to see developed in my children during the season before they are ready to marry is a confident exploration, through clear rather than steamed glasses, of persons, of character, of shared value, and of the joy of faith for living.

*—Tim McCracken**

Tim has been pastor of the Fresno, Calif., RPC for 20 years. He is author of God’s Message to You (Faith Alive).