The Woman

Belinda, you’ve been such a fierce encourager to our family,” said Heidi as we interviewed Belinda Fyfe on a Thursday evening. Someone else described her as a Barnabas (“son of encouragement”). If you’ve met her, you know what we mean.

By her own confession, Belinda has a heart for counseling others. She and her husband Craig (members of Salt & Light [Longmont, Colo.] RPC) have long been involved in various types of counseling, mostly informal.

“It’s how the Lord has wired me,” Belinda noted. But though she’s always cared for people, it hasn’t always been for the same reasons. Belinda was saved at age 31, after being married and having two children. After that point, her outlook on life radically changed.

Her Story

Belinda’s mother died when Belinda was just 22. She had always brought her children to a church where they heard nice stories, but not the gospel. Her mother was the one believer in the family, and Belinda would later consider her mother’s prayers like her only mentor during that time. After her mother passed away, Belinda cared for her siblings and needy father—to the point of enabling destructive behavior, she said, because that’s what she thought loving them meant.

At work as a nurse, Belinda tried to help people too. She wanted to be more involved with people, so she eventually became a mental health nurse supervisor. “I learned a lot about human behavior there,” she said. Down the road, that fed into her interest in studying biblical counseling.

Meanwhile, Belinda became pregnant, but she decided to have an abortion. That decision would change her life, starting with feelings of immense guilt and shame. Later, she met and married Craig, but she carried the shame into her marriage.

Craig and Belinda had one child and decided to bring her to church since that’s what good parents do. About two years later, Belinda was pregnant with another child. It was through that third pregnancy that the Lord worked in Belinda’s life for good, although she didn’t feel good—literally. She became very sick while pregnant. Depression piled onto the sickness. Then Belinda became so sick that she thought God was going to take her life. “I thought I deserved it because of the abortion,” she said.

Craig called their pastor. He was a man from whom they had never heard the gospel before and whom Belinda believes did not have a true understanding of salvation; but somehow Belinda heard the gospel that day, and she believed it.

“I was impressed with the guilt of my abortion,” she said. “And in some ways, it was harder to live with it when I became a believer. I realized who I had sinned against.” But Belinda knew that she was forgiven. She came to realize that she could grieve for her baby while resting in Christ’s work for her: “Grieving doesn’t lessen what He did for me; it actually keeps me closer to Him.” Like the woman in the Bible who loved much because she had been forgiven much, Belinda was overcome with humility because of God’s graciousness to her.

A short time after, Craig also became a believer (Belinda had been “praying like crazy for him”). Together, they sought to learn how to be Christian spouses and parents—a long journey that humbled them even more. “I know it’s by God’s grace that my children are believers,” said Belinda. “How can anyone be overcome with anything but gratitude?”

Years after becoming believers, Craig and Belinda’s younger daughter decided to go to a school called Geneva College. They started studying covenant theology so that they could help her combat it! But when she started seriously dating someone in the RP church, “we made it our business to study theology.” Over a period of years, Craig and Belinda were convinced by covenant theology. They joined the Orlando, Fla., RPC over six years ago.

Her Advice

With a personality that is so drawn to counseling and mentoring relationships, Belinda shared what she sees as her credentials: she loves God, loves His Word, loves His people, and is willing and able. “We have no right apart from Christ and God’s grace to be counseling anybody about anything, except that we’ve been equipped largely through what we’ve learned through our own mistakes.” As someone who vividly experienced coming from the darkness into the light, she is highly motivated to share the freedom granted us in the gospel. “I see how many professing believers don’t seem to really understand the gospel. Even in the RPCNA, there are people that are still trying to live in their own strength and their own righteousness.” They need to understand this freedom too!

To the end that more women (and men) would enter beneficial, biblical relationships, we asked Belinda to share her reflections on mentoring relationships. First, she believes that mentoring/counseling can’t happen without some kind of relationship. One of the best tools for developing relationships, she said, is asking pointed, though careful, questions. “I think people need encouragement sometimes to be honest.” Second, you must handle that honesty with care, commit the other person to prayer, and then follow up. If you truly care about the person, you must be invested.

Whether you are one of the “older” women or one of the “younger” women, Belinda has further encouragement for you. One excuse older women claim for not developing these relationships is that younger women just don’t seem interested. While this may often be true, Belinda reminded us that the instruction in Titus 2 is a command, not a suggestion. For older women who may feel intimidated, Belinda says, “Put yourself out there, make yourself a little uncomfortable, and care enough to ask questions and develop relationships. It’s not going to go perfectly with everyone, but God’s in control of that too. Pray and ask the Lord about who might benefit from a relationship with you or at least a conversation.”

But a good mentoring relationship goes both ways. Younger women can and ought to likewise ask meaningful questions. If you know anything about an older woman’s life, you can follow up on how she is dealing with a particular situation or struggle and ask how you can pray for her. And if you don’t know about anything, then ask!

Belinda’s bottom line is this: you can’t be afraid to ask questions. There’s nothing new under the sun, so it’s likely that an older woman can relate to something happening in a younger woman’s life.

Before we finished the interview, we younger gals took advantage of having our own meaningful conversation with an older woman. We asked her, first of all, how she would advise women to appropriately read Christian living books that, while designed to help us in the Christian life, may end up leaving us feeling guilty and insufficient.

“It’s a high calling to be a disciple of Jesus Christ,” Belinda answered. It is a process as a believer to get to a place of maturity. This is a matter of faithfulness that looks different for each of us. “Faithfulness means that everything we do centers around our relationship with Christ, but it doesn’t mean that it looks a certain way, and it certainly doesn’t mean that it looks the same for any two of us.” So, rather than use comparison, which Belinda says is not God’s intent, listen for biblical principles that you can learn from and aspire to apply as you love God with all your heart and soul. Know the non-negotiables that we are called to in Scripture, and what God has called you to in your specific role.

Second, we asked how, in a world where so few people value church membership, could we come alongside friends who are not prioritizing church membership or even attendance?

Perhaps the best tool, Belinda reflected, for coming alongside such friends, is sharing your own experience in church membership. “Share the reason why you are grateful and the reason why you feel more secure and free in your relationship with the Lord as a result of the accountability that you get from being a member.” We tend to overestimate our own ability to shepherd ourselves, but the truth is that we are quite bad at it. But God provided for our care: “Scripture teaches the principle of membership. It’s not to bind us to be locked into a bunch of rules or controlled by a church. It’s for our good and our protection.”

As we reflected on our conversation with Belinda, we were struck with how valuable it is to have such a person to help us think biblically and act wisely. God’s design surely is good! And He is surely a gracious and forgiving God.